On an otherwise mundane Tuesday afternoon, a Chicago father, known as Daddy, laid claim to the highly subjective, previously non-existent title Greatest Reading of All Time after knocking a pre-nap delivery of Are You My Mother? out of the park.
“I’ve had perfect readings before, but this was one for the ages,” Daddy said of the epic event. “Sometimes you just envelop the words and are merely a vessel of delivery. Much like the natural casing to a frankfurter.”
Even Bub, his relentlessly anti-Daddy son, conceded, “Yeah, it was pretty good.” This was roughly the equivalent of a Thanksgiving turkey telling his farmer, ‘I totally had this coming.’
A notoriously harsh critic, Bub’s been known to bite dangling digits of sub-par readers and use bodily functions in ways expressive well beyond his 16 months.
“One time he was displeased with my rendering of The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” Daddy said. “He knocked it out of my hand, then squatted right over it and made this face: Hrrrrrrggggggh!!! He had a diaper on, but still…”
Critics have been quick to point out that since the newly-christened title is unsanctioned and un-regulated, establishing rules and protocol for the competition is a must. When asked to elaborate on how exactly he ended up with something looking eerily similar to a County Rec Free Throw Champ trophy, Daddy said:
“Basically, when it was over, I was like, ‘Best reading ever, right?’ and Bub was like, ‘Yup.’ So we put it to the vote. It was unanimous. Landslide, bitches!”
Since there were only two suffragists to this world-beater of a reading, we asked them both if they could pinpoint why this was what is quickly becoming known as The One:
“I don’t know, would you say to Rembrandt, like, hey guy, why’d you choose that color for that water lily?” Daddy said. “Some things can’t be explained, they just are. Like satellites.”
Bub had a more thoughtful answer: “Well, he threw in extra animal noises and sound effects, all ad-libbed. But in a very complementary way, very tasteful. There’s a fine line between art and shtick, and he straddled it masterfully. A great reading to me is a delicate confluence of intonation, characterization and soul. Without all three, I might listen, but I can’t promise not to wipe boogers on you.”
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