Friday, March 16, 2012

UPDATE: Daddy Really is Bub’s Father; Both Sides Hate On Science

DNA results confirmed today that a long-feuding father and son are in fact related, a finding that prompted a strong backlash against cold, hard facts.

“I’ve always hated science,” Daddy said. “Ever since Mr. Wiegel told me I was going to go bald in 10th grade. Yeah, way to build a kid’s self-confidence, science.”

“Like a Beatles cover or one Ding Dong, this is simply unsatisfying,” Bub said. “We are prepared to fight this all the way.”

For his part, Daddy took a different tack. “I don’t know what happened to those samples after they left my sight,” he said. “I’m just saying, they could have been testing shampoo or playing Platelet Pong with them for all I know.”

This story began several months ago when Bub sued for custody of himself, citing irreconcilable differences with his father. Daddy countered with a failed restraining order request before Bub finally requested DNA testing of himself.

When asked how he intended to fight overwhelmingly convincing DNA evidence, Daddy said: “Well, I ask you this—what is DNA, anyway? A fad, right? And just like parachute pants, it’ll go out of style. Oh, in twenty years, it might be retro, sure, but still nobody will know what DNA even stands for.”

When told that it stands for Deoxyribonucleic Acid, Daddy said, “Right. Like that’s a word.”

Asked to clarify exactly what his endgame was in the face of irrefutable evidence, Bub said, “Annulment. It worked for Britney Spears.”

When told that it is not possible to annul a parent or dissolve a childhood, Bub said, “Well, 500 years ago the earth was flat. Think about that.”

When asked if this could in some way be a building block for the two, a jumping-off point, that they now share a common enemy in science, and could work together instead of against each other toward bringing it down, Daddy said:

“No, that’s stupid.”

Asked if there was anything he learned from this or anything positive coming out of it, Daddy said:

“Yeah, as a matter of fact. Now I guess I can actually say, ‘Luke, I am your father’ to him all day long and he can’t say shit. ‘Cause it’s true.”

Except for the name, of course. A silver lining, indeed.

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