Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Gaffed Secret Handshake Brings Family Shame
A local one year-old known as Bub sullied his family moniker last month when he “ballsed up” the super-special family handshake extravaganza in front of a handful of Super Bowl onlookers.
“This was our half-time show; I was gonna go viral with this,” Daddy, the boy’s father, said. “Instead, the kid just folded like origami.”
Asked if he could describe the routine of humiliation, Daddy scoffed, “Duh, I choreographed it myself! Shake, pull, snap, flip, fake, fake, pound pound pound, pinky shake, head butt, two steps forward, two steps back, up high, down low, behind the back, too slow, 360, chest bump, thumb wrestle, sumo stomp, sumo stomp, air guitar, double-pits-to-chesty. Pretty dope*, right?”
“Does anyone else find this overly ambitious?” Bub asked. “Isn’t there some sort of law against chest-bumping a newborn?”
“It’s true, expectations may have been a little high,” Mommy said. “But you could see from the get-go that he just wasn’t focused. Really tough to tell his game face from his drool face.”
“I just wasn’t prepared,” Bub said. “We’d only rehearsed it twice, plus the crowd, the cameras flashing, the wet diaper, it was unseasonably humid for February.”
“You know who makes excuses?” Daddy asked no one in particular. “Losers. Pine-riders. He’s just not a PTP-er. Mommy should check her jewelry case, because she might be missing a choker.”
“In Bub’s defense, he did just learn to stand last month,” Mommy said. “But let’s just say I’m glad we Tivo-ed Madonna.”
Asked if he felt like a failure as a father, Daddy said, “We can't all be winners. It’s genetics. All those X, Y and Z chromosomes. Obviously, I had nothing to do with that.”
When asked if he would consider revisiting the routine in the future, Bub said: “Maybe. We started at the top, the Everest of sporting events, and it consumed us. Let’s start small, with something menial, a molehill to get our footing and see what happens.” Then he added, “Hey, isn’t the World Cup this year?”
*Editors note: ‘Dope’ is apparently a word roughly on par with ‘cool’ or ‘awesome,’ circa 1990.