Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Stranger Than Fiction

So if you've been following the action here on MVB, you know that last week Bub filed suit against me for custody of himself. I, in turn, countersued him for being annoying. Tit for tat, I say, and we'll let the chips fall where they may at this point. My lawyer (me) says I can't really say much more about the pending cases. 

So...instead I'm gonna talk about this case, which rivals the drama Bub and I are embroiled in. Did anyone else see this story today? All I'll say for now is wow, then I'll really rip into these two little brats at the end. Have a quick read and we'll discuss.

Illinois Mom Kimberly Garrity Wins 'Bad Mom' Case Over Her Kids

Aug. 30, 2011

Illinois mom Kimberly Garrity today applauded a
court ruling that threw out a lawsuit by her two
children who had sued her for allegedly being a bad

"We are very pleased with the court's decision," said
Shelley Smith, Garrity's attorney.

In court papers, Smith called the complaint a "litany of
childish complaints and ingratitude."

Garrity, 55, battled her kids Steven Miner, 23, and
Kathryn Miner, 20, for two years. The children sought
$50,000 for emotional distress stemming from the
damage of her supposed bad mothering.

The case was originally tossed by a Cook County
circuit court, but the kids appealed. Last week, an
Illinois appellate court also dismissed it.

Raised in a $1.5 million home by their father, the
children alleged the Garrity was a lousy mom because
she failed to send money for birthdays, called her
daughter home early from homecoming, and
threatened to call the police on her son, then 7, if he
didn't buckle up in the car.

Steven also accused his mother of once smacking him
on the head, saying that he still suffers from
headaches. One of the exhibits in the case included a
birthday card that Steven called "inappropriate"
because it failed to include cash or a check.

The card did include the inscription, "Son I got you
this Birthday card because it's just like you ? different
from all the rest!" On the inside Garrity wrote, "Have a
great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo," according to
court documents cited by the
Chicago Tribune.

When contacted by ABC News, Kathryn Miner said, "I
have no comment."

In its ruling, the appellate court said that it found that
none of Garrity's behavior could be ruled "extreme or

"Such alleged actions are unpleasant and perhaps
insensitive, and some would arguably fall outside the
realm of 'good mothering,' but they are not so
shocking as to form a basis for a claim for intentional
infliction of emotional distress," the court ruled.

The children's lawyer was Garrity's ex-husband and
the children's father Steven Miner. Garrity's lawyer
wrote in court papers that the lawsuit was an attempt
by Steven Miner to "seek the ultimate revenge" of
having her children accuse her of "being an
inadequate mother."

Miner and Garrity were married and then divorced in
1995, records show.

Miner did not immediately respond to messages left
by ABC News, but said in court papers that he filed
the lawsuit after much legal research and had tried to
dissuade his children from bringing the case. He
compared this case to one of a patient suing a doctor.

Bruce Ottley, a law professor at DePaul University and
author of Illinois Tort Law, said the circuit court w
hich first heard the case was right in throwing it
out. "Illinois law is so clear on this. You have to
prove extreme and outrageous conduct and that's not
what this is," said Ottley.
"This is just me surmising, but this looks more like
the husband trying to get back at his wife. It doesn't
look like an impartial lawsuit," Ottley said.

In spite of the suit, the Tribune reports that Garrity, in
court filings, said that she still loved her children.

Where do you start with this one? I mean, first of all, their DAD is their lawyer, how about there? I also think "still suffers from headaches" from his mom whoop-slapping him is hilarious. That's like saying Bill Clinton is still stoned from that hit he took in college. 

In other news today, tofu was sued for being "bland."

Another complaint was they didn't get care packages in college. Really, dipshits? You grow up in a $1.5 million dollar home and you're pissed that your box of gummy bears and Rice Krispy Treats never showed up? Hey, why don't YOU try sending some rice to Somalia, jerkweed?
Man, I'd love to be a fly on the turkey at that Thanksgiving table this year. Am I alone here? Comments, thoughts and especially rants encouraged.

P.S. Don't get any ideas, Bub.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Father Countersues Son For Being "Annoying"

In a bizarre twist on an already absurd case, a Chicago father is countersuing his infant son on the grounds that he is “consistently annoying.”

Just one week ago, the son, identified in court documents only as “Bub,” sued his parents for custody of himself, citing a multitude of grievances committed upon him. Apparently that did not sit well with the boy’s father, identified only as “Daddy,” who issued this statement today.

“Given the recent actions taken by my son, I have no choice but to countersue. Like The Dude said, ‘This aggression will not stand, man.’”

He is of course referring to a character from the cult hit The Big Lebowski. Appropriately, “Incessantly quoting semi-obscure films” was one of the charges leveled against him in Bub’s suit. 

When asked what he was suing for, exactly, he said, “Mostly to restore my name, my reputation.”

It was unclear what, if any, reputation he was referring to. It was even less clear what his name was.

“I’m not in it for the money,” he clarified. “If that’s where you’re going with this.” According to documents submitted on his behalf, Bub’s net worth is approximately $268.

“I didn’t want it this way,” he continued. “Believe me, I tried reasoning with him, before his lawyer issued a gag order. And hey, if there’s one thing I learned in Mr. Kolb’s high school government class, it’s that you can sue anybody, anytime, for anything. Doesn’t mean you’re going to win.”

And does he expect to win?

“Winning, losing, it’s all semantics. It’s how you play the game that counts, right?”
It was unclear what game exactly he was referring to. Or that he understood the ramifications of his actions. 
When asked to clarify the nature of the suit, he said this:

“It’s all in there. He’s just (expletive deleted) annoying. You know, like crying non-stop, being needy, demanding everything all of the time. It’s like, hey jackass, I’m not your personal servant. I’m a man. Why don’t you feed yourself for once if you’re so damn hungry? It’s like Darwinism, right? It’s not like he would starve if no one feeds him.”

Actually, he would starve if no one fed him. Late and/or unsatisfactory feedings was another charge which would soon come back to haunt Daddy. When asked to respond to Bub’s list of charges, he said:

“What you have here, basically, is a bunch of trumped-up charges from somebody with a brain the size of a walnut. Let’s not forget that. A walnut.”

He continued: “The truth is this whole thing really boils down to a man, a little man, and an even littler man to whom I denied him access. It got weird quick. I mean, just that look he would give me while tugging on his little twig and berries [he shudders]. Creepy. Like Andy Dick creepy. Just totally inappropriate. I mean, sure, we all yank it like Silly Putty once in a while. But at least I have the decency to wait till nap time.”

Strange words, from a desperate man. If Bub wins the case, he would be the first infant in history to successfully win custody of himself. He has already stated that he would “disappear” into the newly-formed Infant Protection Program.  

Friday, August 19, 2011

Baby Sues Parents for Custody of Self

Setting an unprecedented legal precedent, an Illinois tot has sued his parents for custody of himself. 

In paperwork submitted by his lawyer, the plaintiff (named only in the affidavit as “Bub”) cites a laundry list of grievances, from a lackluster vegetarian diet to a dearth of educational toys to premature revocation of fikey privileges.

“Yeah, I wasn’t done with that,” he said in regards to the fikey.

He also went into more detail about his daily diet, specifying a comically insufficient reserve of mangos and totalitarian-like rationing of them.

“I don’t know what’s hard about this. It’s like, wow, I LOVE apple fritters, they are the greatest thing on this planet. Thanks for this rutabaga, though.”

Regarding the educational toys, he said, “They bought me one Baby Einstein toy. One. Since then, I’ve gotten, oh let’s see, a Tupperware with no lid, an empty CD case, a beverage coaster, and ooh, just yesterday they bequeathed to me a silver bag. A bag! These are what constitute toys in this household. I can feel myself getting stupider already.”

He went on to lambast the general lack of educational availabililty.

“Why are you talking like me?” he asked. “I talk like this because I’m developing, ya jackwagon. You talking like this is just embarrassing. How about teaching me the alphabet, eh?”

A blatant overexposure to 1980s pop music was also named in the suit, with Bub contending it has forever stunted his appreciation of the media.

“If I hear ‘Eye of the Tiger’ one more goddamn time, I’m gonna actively seek out a choking hazard.”

The suit even addresses his parents’ seemingly ascetic attitude toward dress.

“You think I like not wearing pants?” Bub said. “Just because I have a onesie that you bought me that says ‘I’d Rather Be Naked’ doesn’t necessarily make it so. Why don’t you get me one that says ‘I’d Rather Be Adopted.’”

The touchy subject of touching oneself is also brought up in the case.  

“I mean, I just found this wonderful thing, right, and then POOF it’s gone,” he said. “It’s like being introduced to your soul mate, and then being told you can only see each other about 18 minutes a day. With people watching.”

An obviously stunned Daddy mostly sat, muttering something to the effect of ‘I thought he was a happy baby’ over and over. He did have a brief moment of clarity for an actual quote: “I thought he loved Survivor.”

It’s up to the courts to answer that question now.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Bub is a Battlefield

In another shocking setback for my fading sense of self, Bub has secured his stranglehold over the entire media of music with a series of brilliant titular manipulations.

From the Beatles (‘All You Need is Bub’) to Taylor Dayne (‘Bub Will Lead You Back’), even Stevie Wonder (‘Part-time Bubber), apparently no musical artist is safe from his infectious lyrical modifications.

It’s not just the lyrics, though, he’s also bastardized the meaning of every song to its very ideological core. No longer are Band of Horses singing about my wife. Nope, it’s now ‘No One’s Gonna Bub Your More Than I Do.’ Blasphemy.

‘The Greatest Love of All’ is no longer about crack cocaine, as the author writes it, or, as my twelve year-old brain interpreted, masturbation (“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all?” C’mon)  It’s all about Bub.  The smooth sounds of the 80s, 90s and beyond on K-BUB 105. All Bub, all the time.

So now, ladies and gents, from ABC records comes our greatest Bub Compilation ever, on 2 CDs or long-play cassettes, featuring:

‘Prisoner of Bub’
‘Will You Still Bub Me Tomorrow?’
‘Can’t Buy Me Bub’
‘Crazy Little Thing Called Bub’
‘You Give Bub a Bad Name’
‘Bub Bites’
‘Bub the Way You Bub’
‘Tainted Bub’
‘Can You Feel the Bub Tonight?’
‘When a Man Bubs a Woman’
‘Tonight I Celebrate My Bub’
‘I’ll Make Bub to You’
‘That’s the Way Bub Goes’
‘I’d do Anything for Bub (But I Won’t do That)’
‘I Want to Know What Bub is’
‘How Deep is Your Bub’

But wait, you’ll also get:

‘All Out of Bub’
‘Because You Bubbed Me’
‘Bub Me Tender’
‘You’ve Lost That Bubbin’ Feeling’
‘Hello, I Bub You’
‘A Groovy Kind of Bub’
‘Feel Like Makin Bub’
‘Keep on Bubbing You’

And who could forget these classics?

‘What’s Bub Got to Do With It?’
‘Addicted to Bub’
‘Bub Don’t Cost a Thing’
‘Justify My Bub’
‘Dream Bubber’
‘Prisoner of Bub’
‘A Big Hunk O’ Bub’

You get all this for just $19.99, plus processing and handling. Order in the next 15 minutes, and we’ll throw in a free Wilson Phillips Greatest Hits EP! Supplies are limited, not sold in stores. Please allow 10-12 weeks for delivery. Illinois residents subject to state sales tax. Order now!

***Shout out to wifey for some of these. Any more you want to post are welcome in the comments =)