Friday, August 19, 2011

Baby Sues Parents for Custody of Self

Setting an unprecedented legal precedent, an Illinois tot has sued his parents for custody of himself. 

In paperwork submitted by his lawyer, the plaintiff (named only in the affidavit as “Bub”) cites a laundry list of grievances, from a lackluster vegetarian diet to a dearth of educational toys to premature revocation of fikey privileges.

“Yeah, I wasn’t done with that,” he said in regards to the fikey.

He also went into more detail about his daily diet, specifying a comically insufficient reserve of mangos and totalitarian-like rationing of them.

“I don’t know what’s hard about this. It’s like, wow, I LOVE apple fritters, they are the greatest thing on this planet. Thanks for this rutabaga, though.”

Regarding the educational toys, he said, “They bought me one Baby Einstein toy. One. Since then, I’ve gotten, oh let’s see, a Tupperware with no lid, an empty CD case, a beverage coaster, and ooh, just yesterday they bequeathed to me a silver bag. A bag! These are what constitute toys in this household. I can feel myself getting stupider already.”

He went on to lambast the general lack of educational availabililty.

“Why are you talking like me?” he asked. “I talk like this because I’m developing, ya jackwagon. You talking like this is just embarrassing. How about teaching me the alphabet, eh?”

A blatant overexposure to 1980s pop music was also named in the suit, with Bub contending it has forever stunted his appreciation of the media.

“If I hear ‘Eye of the Tiger’ one more goddamn time, I’m gonna actively seek out a choking hazard.”

The suit even addresses his parents’ seemingly ascetic attitude toward dress.

“You think I like not wearing pants?” Bub said. “Just because I have a onesie that you bought me that says ‘I’d Rather Be Naked’ doesn’t necessarily make it so. Why don’t you get me one that says ‘I’d Rather Be Adopted.’”

The touchy subject of touching oneself is also brought up in the case.  

“I mean, I just found this wonderful thing, right, and then POOF it’s gone,” he said. “It’s like being introduced to your soul mate, and then being told you can only see each other about 18 minutes a day. With people watching.”

An obviously stunned Daddy mostly sat, muttering something to the effect of ‘I thought he was a happy baby’ over and over. He did have a brief moment of clarity for an actual quote: “I thought he loved Survivor.”

It’s up to the courts to answer that question now.