In a bizarre twist on an already absurd case, a Chicago father is countersuing his infant son on the grounds that he is “consistently annoying.”
Just one week ago, the son, identified in court documents only as “Bub,” sued his parents for custody of himself, citing a multitude of grievances committed upon him. Apparently that did not sit well with the boy’s father, identified only as “Daddy,” who issued this statement today.
“Given the recent actions taken by my son, I have no choice but to countersue. Like The Dude said, ‘This aggression will not stand, man.’”
He is of course referring to a character from the cult hit The Big Lebowski. Appropriately, “Incessantly quoting semi-obscure films” was one of the charges leveled against him in Bub’s suit.
When asked what he was suing for, exactly, he said, “Mostly to restore my name, my reputation.”
It was unclear what, if any, reputation he was referring to. It was even less clear what his name was.
“I’m not in it for the money,” he clarified. “If that’s where you’re going with this.” According to documents submitted on his behalf, Bub’s net worth is approximately $268.
“I didn’t want it this way,” he continued. “Believe me, I tried reasoning with him, before his lawyer issued a gag order. And hey, if there’s one thing I learned in Mr. Kolb’s high school government class, it’s that you can sue anybody, anytime, for anything. Doesn’t mean you’re going to win.”
And does he expect to win?
“Winning, losing, it’s all semantics. It’s how you play the game that counts, right?”
It was unclear what game exactly he was referring to. Or that he understood the ramifications of his actions.
When asked to clarify the nature of the suit, he said this:
“It’s all in there. He’s just (expletive deleted) annoying. You know, like crying non-stop, being needy, demanding everything all of the time. It’s like, hey jackass, I’m not your personal servant. I’m a man. Why don’t you feed yourself for once if you’re so damn hungry? It’s like Darwinism, right? It’s not like he would starve if no one feeds him.”
Actually, he would starve if no one fed him. Late and/or unsatisfactory feedings was another charge which would soon come back to haunt Daddy. When asked to respond to Bub’s list of charges, he said:
“What you have here, basically, is a bunch of trumped-up charges from somebody with a brain the size of a walnut. Let’s not forget that. A walnut.”
He continued: “The truth is this whole thing really boils down to a man, a little man, and an even littler man to whom I denied him access. It got weird quick. I mean, just that look he would give me while tugging on his little twig and berries [he shudders]. Creepy. Like Andy Dick creepy. Just totally inappropriate. I mean, sure, we all yank it like Silly Putty once in a while. But at least I have the decency to wait till nap time.”
Strange words, from a desperate man. If Bub wins the case, he would be the first infant in history to successfully win custody of himself. He has already stated that he would “disappear” into the newly-formed Infant Protection Program.