Child Records Shortest Sleepwalking Episode in Modern Era

A Chicago toddler has laid claim to the title of Shortest Sleepwalking Episode after making it a modest four steps before wiping out and awakening in a puddle of tears.

The dubious feat was achieved Sunday night by a toddler known only as Bub. He describes it here in vivid detail:

“Well, I was asleep on one end of my crib, then I remember having this falling sensation. Next thing I know, I’m jolted awake on the far side of the crib. Now that was either sleepwalking or a particularly feeble alien abduction attempt.”

Fascinating. If it holds, this would shatter the record held by Johnny “Mad Dog” Madson by a whopping two full steps. Mad Dog managed just six steps on a balmy 1984 morning before his Beta Cam captured him stepping on his shi-tzu’s chew toy and swearing in utter lucidity.

“I’m thrilled to even be mentioned in the same font as Mad Dog,” Bub said. “I think we all know he has been the face of truncated somnambulism for as long as anyone can remember.”

Asked if he was proud of his son, Bub’s father Daddy said, “Oh, shittin' bricks. It’s like winning that ugliest poodle award or an Oscar for Sound Mixing. Still, an award’s an award.” He then added, “You know I was voted Most Likely to Join the Carny? He’s got winner’s blood, I’m just sayin.’”

Of course the matter of authentication will have to be addressed before Mad Dog is dethroned, but Daddy was quick to quell any fears.

“Nanny Cam, bitches!” he said simply.

Indeed, video evidence did confirm Bub’s four small steps for sleeping mankind. We asked the soon-to-be champ what was next, and where he plans to go from here:

“I think I can get it under three steps,” Bub said.

So two steps, then? Wouldn’t that be just sleepstanding?

“I’ll tie my legs together and hop like a flaming scarecrow if need be,” he said.

A beautiful mental image indeed. Asked what it felt like to have a famous somnambulist in the family, Daddy said:

“Look, what a guy does with a bing cherry in the haze of college is his choice,” Daddy said. “I’d hardly say it made me famous, though.”