Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Search for Nasal Aspirator Called Off; Parents Fear the Worst


A week of numerous dead ends and fruitless cushion turn-ups ended in sadness yesterday, when two Chicago parents officially called off the search for their baby Bub’s nasal aspirator.

“We’ve done all we can do for Nubby,” Mommy said. “He was a part of our family taken too soon. He’s in God’s hands now. Either that, or a stranger’s nose.”

Nubby Nosesucker was last seen about ten days ago after a routine clearing of Bub’s nasal cavity. For the uninitiated, a nasal aspirator is an instrument of lesser torture that is squeezed, then jammed up babies’ noses and then released, creating a veritable black hole for all hapless nasal excretions to be sucked into. Appropriately, it is shaped like a teardrop.

Daddy was quick to point fingers. “Now I’m no detective, but you’ve got to think about who benefits. Who doesn’t get his nose sucked should poor Mr. McNubbins meet with an accident?” He then added, “Do I have to spell it out for you? M-O-T-I-V.”

Asked if it was fair to classify Bub and Nubby’s relationship as “testy,” Daddy said, “Huh huh.”

When shown a picture of Nubby, Bub said, “Never seen him before.”

We asked Bub if he could provide an alibi for the day in question:

“You give me a pint of blueberries, and I’ll give you an alibi so big your mama will weep.”

Daddy pledged to keep hope alive, despite taking no further action whatsoever to locate Nubby: “Nosesuckers don’t just get up and walk away,” he said, clarifying, “They have no legs.”

Nubby is sky blue, about four inches tall with a skinny torso and bulbous head. If anyone has seen Nubby or obtains any information that could lead to his rescue, please contact your local authorities.

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