Thursday, February 23, 2012

Father Finds Shiv Under Crib Mattress, Suspects Foul Play

A local father’s discovery of a crudely-fashioned shiv under his 16 month-old’s mattress led him to draw a chilling yet undeniable conclusion:

“My son wants to shank me,” he said.

The father, Daddy, said he was simply changing the boy’s crib sheet yesterday afternoon when he found the jagged four-inch piece of wood with a duct-taped handle. He immediately phoned the authorities.

The defiant, diminuitive suspect, known as Bub, was taken downtown for questioning.

“Shiv? Is that even a word?” Bub said. “Sure, it’s under my bliv, next to my chiv and right beside my GO F*** A CHIMP!”

Further forensics of the shiv revealed the phrase ‘I Hate Daddy’ scratched into the handle.

“So what?” Bub said. “Lots of people hate Daddy.”

Indeed they do. When asked if he knew of any reason why his son might want to shank him, Daddy said:

“No, but this does explain why the entire first season of Oz showed up on Netflix last week.” 

A subsequent fingerprint dusting of the shiv revealed 87 positive matches to Bub’s tiny digits.

“All right, you got me,” Bub said. “It is my first shanking, after all. I mean, did Jordan make his first jumper?” He then added, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get O.J. gloves in my size?”

Despite this admission, Officer Levy said there was insufficient evidence to arrest the lad, and he was released.

“Can’t blame a kid for daydreaming,” Officer Levy clarified.

Daddy, donning a t-shirt reading ‘My Own Private Guantanamo,’ begged to differ:

“It’s like you didn’t find a body in the shark’s belly, so you’re just throwing a really hungry, pissed off shark back in the tank!”

In response to the blubbering, an unsympathetic Bub, sporting a teardrop temporary tattoo, simply made a shanking gesture in Daddy’s general direction. 

“Watch your back, Daddy,” he chuckled. “But watch your sides even more.”

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