Monday, February 20, 2012

Baby Urinates on Stuffed Bear, PETSA Puts Out Bounty

The old adage ‘It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on’ was put to the test by a Chicago baby who allegedly relieved himself on a stuffed animal who was “in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

The baby, known as Bub, allegedly defiled his friend Blue Bear last Sunday during an otherwise routine diaper change.

“All apologies to the Blue Bear clan,” Bub said in a statement. “B.B. and I go way back; he was merely an innocent bystander here. A big, cuddly hydrant that got a little too close to this doggy.”

“He has Lewinsky-ed me,” Blue Bear said simply.

So how exactly was such a travesty allowed to come about?

“I think I gave him a little too much free willy time,” Daddy, the boy’s father admitted. “But I feel bad—they barely even know one another.”

One father’s awkward gesture plus one baby’s inability to control his bodily functions equals a really bad day for Blue Bear. Daddy describes:

“Well, he kind of looked at me, then the next thing you know there was the tiniest little rainbow shooting across the bed. But just one color. It was really rather beautiful in its own way.”

Unless you happened to be Blue Bear, just minding your own business. Or PETSA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals), who take such matters very seriously.

“We take such matters very seriously,” John Rudaker, president of PETSA said. “We haven’t seen such degradation of an S.A. since the Palmer case back in ’93. And I think we all remember that one.”

No, we don’t.

“Stuffed animals have just as many rights as real animals,” Rudaker continued, though he declined to elaborate. “We intend to prosecute Bub to the full extent of the law.”

There are currently no laws protecting stuffed animals, unless you count taxidermy. Which we don’t.

But strong empty threats nonetheless. Asked what he thought about PETSA, Daddy said:

“Sounds delicious.”

When asked if there was any hope of reconciliation between the two, Bub said: "It was an accident is all. Just a really, really good shot. Sorry, buddy."

"I'm green now, buddy," Blue Bear said. 

Sounds like somebody needs a pee-stained hug.

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