Baby Suckerpunched by Floor, Swears Vengeance

A Chicago baby “blindsided” by a hardwood floor in his apartment publicly vowed to avenge the unprovoked act of aggression.

“It just came out of nowhere,” the baby, known as Bub, said. “Hit me right in the back of the head like a two by four.”

Actually, it was a two by four. As is the norm in many Chicago apartments, the floors of his abode are finished hardwood, a result of the Great Carpet Shortage of the 1930s.

Police had no problems tracking down the suspect, who was still nailed to the floor of the apartment.

“Hiding in plain sight, seen it a million times,” Officer Davis noted. “Backfired big time in this case.”

Police questioned the suspect for about an hour at the scene.

“Didn’t give us much,” Davis said. “Nothing, actually. What can you do? Fucking Miranda rights.”

Police do, however, suspect he may have had accomplices.

“Are you kidding me?” Davis said. “You ever seen a two by four work alone? Nope, always in splinter cells. Tougher to nail down that way.”

Groan.

The boy’s father, Daddy, was the only witness to the alleged crime, though he is regarded as highly unreliable in general. He has also agreed to testify for the defense.

“The kid just fell over!” he said. “He was sitting there, got a little too exuberant with his rattle, and fell backwards. Cried like a little baby, too, I might add.”

Well, he is a baby, and an angry baby after hearing Daddy’s version of the events.

“Yeah, hey, sure, that’s a likely story,” Bub responded. “By the way, there’s this really cool new invention called carpet, cheap-ass.”

Police released the suspect after Bub failed to pick him out of a lineup of other two by fours.

“He hit me from behind!” Bub screamed.

In the end, all charges were dropped, though Bub has threatened vigilante justice.

“This isn’t over,” he said. “Remember that time you were chopped down? A day at the beach compared to what I have planned for you. I’m going to make a bow and arrow out of you, and then shoot you with yourself!”

The suspect had no comment, as it’s still a piece of fucking wood.