The Very Busy Spider (real name Gabriella Gutierrez) has officially run out of shit to do. The announcement left slack-jawed fans the world over asking themselves WHY??? I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Gabby and reminisce on the salad days.
Q: So you obviously gained immeasurable notoriety when you were chronicled in Eric Harper’s book. But I read somewhere that you actually were busy way before the book came out. Any truth to that rumor?
A: Oh my, yes. You know what they say about idle hands? There’s a similar expression in Spider. It roughly translates to ‘Eight legs, eight eyes, I just ate my husband.’
Q: I think something got lost in translation there.
A: How so?
Q: Moving on, after the book came out, you went from, like, totally anonymous to totally eponymous. Talk about what Lady Gaga calls The Fame Monster.
A: Well, people would flock to the farm, no pun intended, pay the dog off to show them my web. I thought it was touching at first, the whole ‘Hey, VBS!’ thing. Of course, I would stay in character and not answer. But it just never stopped. How would you feel if I came to your house and just gawked at you?
Q: I’d probably smash you with a newspaper.
A: Okay. Well, one day I finally just answered one of the gawkers.
Q: Ooh, that had to be momentous. Like Crystal Pepsi or the Oasis reunion tour. What did you say?
A: I said, ‘What?’
Q: So…tell us about the old crew, then. I think I speak for all my readers when I query, how is goat these days? Ever get to jump on those rocks?
A: Well, I friend requested him on Facebook three years ago and he hasn’t responded yet. Same with the rest; I’m all like, ‘Hey guys, want to go climb up some water spouts?’ Apparently they’re too busy now.
Q: Come on, that’s the Itsy Bitsy Spider. Say, any chance you two are related? That would be wild.
A: …
Q: No way to tell, right? Everybody knows spiders have no DNA.
A: Why are you laughing?
Q: Sorry, I was just thinking about that time you caught that pesty fly. That was awesome. Like Mr. Miyagi, but the chopsticks are your legs!
A: It just flew into my web. Happens all the time.
Q: Anyway, do you consider yourself a victim of irony?
A: You mean because I had all these friends and admirers who wanted to hang out with me, but I was too busy spinning a fucking web to even say ‘Hello’ and now, despite my fame, I am a lonely, friendless arachnid? No.
Q: Okay, let’s switch gears. So now that you’ve run out of shit to do, do you stop getting royalties from the book?
A: I think we’re done here.
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