Friday, February 3, 2012

The Very Busy Spider Runs Out of Shit to Do

The Very Busy Spider (real name Gabriella Gutierrez) has officially run out of shit to do. The announcement left slack-jawed fans the world over asking themselves WHY??? I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Gabby and reminisce on the salad days.

Q:  So you obviously gained immeasurable notoriety when you were chronicled in Eric Harper’s book. But I read somewhere that you actually were busy way before the book came out. Any truth to that rumor?

A:  Oh my, yes. You know what they say about idle hands? There’s a similar expression in Spider. It roughly translates to ‘Eight legs, eight eyes, I just ate my husband.’

Q:  I think something got lost in translation there.

A:  How so?

Q:  Moving on, after the book came out, you went from, like, totally anonymous to totally eponymous. Talk about what Lady Gaga calls The Fame Monster.

A:  Well, people would flock to the farm, no pun intended, pay the dog off to show them my web. I thought it was touching at first, the whole ‘Hey, VBS!’ thing. Of course, I would stay in character and not answer. But it just never stopped. How would you feel if I came to your house and just gawked at you?

Q:  I’d probably smash you with a newspaper.

A:  Okay. Well, one day I finally just answered one of the gawkers.

Q:  Ooh, that had to be momentous. Like Crystal Pepsi or the Oasis reunion tour. What did you say?

A:  I said, ‘What?’

Q:  So…tell us about the old crew, then. I think I speak for all my readers when I query, how is goat these days? Ever get to jump on those rocks?

A:  Well, I friend requested him on Facebook three years ago and he hasn’t responded yet. Same with the rest; I’m all like, ‘Hey guys, want to go climb up some water spouts?’ Apparently they’re too busy now.

Q:  Come on, that’s the Itsy Bitsy Spider. Say, any chance you two are related? That would be wild.


Q:  No way to tell, right? Everybody knows spiders have no DNA.

A:  Why are you laughing?

Q:  Sorry, I was just thinking about that time you caught that pesty fly. That was awesome. Like Mr. Miyagi, but the chopsticks are your legs!

A:  It just flew into my web. Happens all the time.

Q:  Anyway, do you consider yourself a victim of irony? 

A:  You mean because I had all these friends and admirers who wanted to hang out with me, but I was too busy spinning a fucking web to even say ‘Hello’ and now, despite my fame, I am a lonely, friendless arachnid? No.

Q:  Okay, let’s switch gears. So now that you’ve run out of shit to do, do you stop getting royalties from the book?

A:  I think we’re done here.

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