Thursday, July 26, 2012
Toddler Declares Self King of Tiniest Municipality
A Chicago toddler named Bub has declared his crib an independent state and now rules what could be the world’s smallest empire.
“I call it Bublandia,” Bub said of his 2.5’ X 4’ kingdom.
“Yeah, what is that, like, eight square feet?” Daddy, the boy’s father said. “It’s like a lock-in with no lock. I give it 48 hours.”
“I’ve got everything I need right here,” Bub said. “I’ve amassed quite a cache already, and supply lines to the outside have been established.”
“He’s got an Elmo phone and a Papa John’s flyer,” Daddy said. “Good luck with that, buddy.”
The move comes in direct response to freshly-passed family legislation aimed at limiting “waking crib time.”
“Basically, he’d just sit there for hours, lining up his stuffed animals and kissing them one by one,” Daddy said, the boy’s father said. “Shit’s weird, right? So, he started his own country. Whatever.”
“I prefer the term fiefdom,” Bub said. “I have my own heraldry, and am currently putting the finishing touches on the national anthem, Sweet Home Bublandia.”
Asked where he got the idea for Bublandia, Bub said simply, “Texas.”
Relationships with his neighboring Parentopolis are already frayed, and Bub has escalated the mounting tensions by heavily fortifying his kingdom walls. They are guarded by a whopping 13 loyal, stuffed subjects, or Bublandians.
“The disputed airspace overhead, however, continues to be my Achilles heel,” Bub said. “I have installed a force shield and declared it a No-Fly Zone, but the enemy is persistent.”
“Yeah, I can just reach in there and pick his little ass up whenever I want to,” Daddy said. “Hey, not that I want to, mind you. This is what we call win-win, bitches!”
Asked what the number one concern for his tiny nation was after starvation, waste disposal, water acquisition, access to medicine, general hygiene, physical growth and marauding Parentopolists, Bub thought for a minute, then said, “Crib sores.”
Production is under way on the currency of Bublandia, and King Bub says that while he plans to export full diapers "to the highest bidder," its GDP will be largely dependent on eco-tourism.