Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Local Romeo Cast as Lead in Reality Show

Riding the coattails of the unprecedented romantic success at his uncle’s wedding, the local toddler known as Bub will take his talents to the small screen in ABC’s forthcoming spin-off, The Bachelor: Toddler Edition.

The Bachelor: Toddler Edition? Really?

“Hey man, it’s summer,” producer Gary Wolf said. “It’s was that or Celebrity Shrimp Trawlers.

Similar to the flagship, the show will feature 20 eligible toddlerettes vying for the attention of one dashing sub-two year-old. The dissimilarities include crayons in lieu of roses, no hot tub scenes (legal reasons) and the stately mansion will take the form of the nearest Gymboree.

Bub, a self-described “strong, awesome type,” seems to have gone Hollywood already. His kiss-and-tell antics have the crickets chirping at several area playlots. He rounded first base with a pint-sized vixen at just nine months of age and never looked back.

“I’d just learned how to stand,” Bub said, sipping a virgin cognac. “Then she knocked me over.”

“Yeah, chicks dig standing,” Daddy, Bub’s quickly-consenting manager said. “Totally got that from me.”

Producer Wolf said Bub’s audition tape stood out from the literally dozens of others because of his statement on the environment (“Yes, I’m in favor of it”) and a myriad of “moody, slow-mo cup-stacking scenes,” set to a pulsing soundtrack of A-Ha’s Take on Me.

“That tape was my Everest,” Daddy said, choking back tears. “And those forty-five minutes are about to pay some serious dissidents.”

“Off the record, you should have seen the others,” Wolf said. “But the kid said something that struck a chord deep in my loins: It’s much easier to talk to women once you can actually talk. Brilliant.”

In addition to questions of programming quality and taste, the show raises sociological questions about child exploitation. Is it not morally unsound to have two children of limited free will wed for the sake of “entertainment?” And does this not make us question the very definition of what it is to entertain and, more importantly, to be entertained?

“No, that’s stupid,” Daddy said, adding, “Most parents have to wait 20 years to get rid of their kid. I’m, like, out early on good behavior. And I’m going to Disneyland, bitches!”

Not exactly. Operating on a summer budget, the show will feature only a handful of “locally exotic” locations, including the Cook County Forest Preserve, Gary, Indiana and a U-pickem blueberry lot in southwestern Michigan.


  1. Thank you. I try hard every day. Wait, do you mean him?!

  2. Definitely the younger of the 2 of you!! Don't you know I am a cougar !!!