Saturday, July 21, 2012
Local Father to Explore Free Agent Market After Contract Negotiations Stall
A local father known as Daddy is “open to listening to any reasonable offers” after the option on his parental contract was not picked up by his son, Bub.
“Look, there’s low-balling, then there’s utterly shafting someone. And then there’s the offer he put on the table,” Daddy said. “I’ve never been more insulted in my life.”
“Oh, I seriously doubt that,” Bub said. “The offer was well more than the fair market value for a petulant, prima donna dad on the wrong side of 35.”
Some say the contentious negotiations were doomed from the get-go, after Daddy showed up to training camp hopelessly out of shape.
“He looked like a deep-fried piece of lard dipped in marshmallow fluff,” Bub said. “It was embarrassing. You just can’t teach work ethic.”
“I pulled a hammy during the 40-yard stroller dash. I don’t think that warranted being cut,” Daddy said. “I think my stats from last season speak for themselves.”
Indeed they do. While Daddy’s diaper changes were up slightly, he recorded career lows in QTS (Quality Time Spent) and SPA (Showing Physical Affection).
“What the fuck is physical affection?” Daddy said. “That’s not fair, I didn’t know I was supposed to do that.”
Other sticking points in the performance-based contract include the length (one month) and guaranteed money (zero).
“We tried a one year contract initially. I wound up with diaper rash for the last three months. Never again,” Bub said. “And as far as the money, no one hands out medals before the race is run, right?”
“This kid isn’t the only dirty diaper action in town,” Daddy said. “And there’s always overseas.”
“It’s a buyer’s market out there, my friend,” Bub said. “But don’t worry—your jersey won't be retired.”