A 21 month-old burgeoning ladykiller named Bub was apparently
the only one to get lucky at his uncle’s recent wedding celebration, netting
some action with a saucy 3 year-old.
“I was just standing there, minding my own Bankie. She struts
over and is all like, ‘I see you’re into tags, too. Well, I’ve got one you can
tug on, stud,’” Bub said. “I know, totally hot, right?”
“Disgusting. I’m pretty sure a couple people threw up,” one
witness reported. “He was drooling on her like a Waygu filet, there’s cereal
nuggets strewn asunder, juice stains everywhere. It’s like, get a crib you
two!”
“I don’t know what got into my daughter,” Anonymous Mother
said. “I mean, people are exchanging vows of undying love up there, and she’s hunched
in the corner, sucking Cheerio dust off this strange boy’s fingers.”
“How could I compete with that?” Uncle Matty, the groom
said. “I get stuck in the blah blah blah and he just skips straight to the
consecration. Last wedding of mine I invite him to.”
“For shit’s sake, people only go to weddings with the hope
of randomly hooking up,” another witness said. “This was the equivalent of
spiking the punchbowl with saltpeter. I didn’t grind even once! I mean, where
are the parents?”
Daddy, Bub’s father, who only mathematically had a chance of
scoring, was not nearly so repulsed: “Poor girl didn’t stand a chance against
my son’s Jedi sex tractor beam. It was just like one of those Axe commercials.
Double pits to chesty!”
“I’m 100% positive she’s my soul mate,” Bub said. “We have
so much in common. She likes tags. And Cheerios. We also have a shared affinity
for juice. We shall live in a castle one day and raise emus and pick
blackberries in the twilight.”
Not likely, given he doesn’t remember her name and she lives
in another state. Also, his last true love occurred at the playground, lasted
approximately 64 seconds, and involved an older girl kissing him on his openly-drooling
mouth, then punching him in the face and running away.
“Yes, the one that got away,” Bub said. “Thanks for bringing
that up. You want to slash my trikey tires while you’re at it?”
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