Thursday, July 12, 2012

Local Toddler Only One to Score at Wedding

A 21 month-old burgeoning ladykiller named Bub was apparently the only one to get lucky at his uncle’s recent wedding celebration, netting some action with a saucy 3 year-old.

“I was just standing there, minding my own Bankie. She struts over and is all like, ‘I see you’re into tags, too. Well, I’ve got one you can tug on, stud,’” Bub said. “I know, totally hot, right?”

“Disgusting. I’m pretty sure a couple people threw up,” one witness reported. “He was drooling on her like a Waygu filet, there’s cereal nuggets strewn asunder, juice stains everywhere. It’s like, get a crib you two!”

“I don’t know what got into my daughter,” Anonymous Mother said. “I mean, people are exchanging vows of undying love up there, and she’s hunched in the corner, sucking Cheerio dust off this strange boy’s fingers.”

“How could I compete with that?” Uncle Matty, the groom said. “I get stuck in the blah blah blah and he just skips straight to the consecration. Last wedding of mine I invite him to.”

“For shit’s sake, people only go to weddings with the hope of randomly hooking up,” another witness said. “This was the equivalent of spiking the punchbowl with saltpeter. I didn’t grind even once! I mean, where are the parents?”

Daddy, Bub’s father, who only mathematically had a chance of scoring, was not nearly so repulsed: “Poor girl didn’t stand a chance against my son’s Jedi sex tractor beam. It was just like one of those Axe commercials. Double pits to chesty!”

“I’m 100% positive she’s my soul mate,” Bub said. “We have so much in common. She likes tags. And Cheerios. We also have a shared affinity for juice. We shall live in a castle one day and raise emus and pick blackberries in the twilight.”

Not likely, given he doesn’t remember her name and she lives in another state. Also, his last true love occurred at the playground, lasted approximately 64 seconds, and involved an older girl kissing him on his openly-drooling mouth, then punching him in the face and running away.

“Yes, the one that got away,” Bub said. “Thanks for bringing that up. You want to slash my trikey tires while you’re at it?”

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