Thursday, July 5, 2012

Firefighters Called to Extricate Boy from Target Toy Aisle

A Chicago toddler known as Bub caused a minor ruckus yesterday at a local Target store when he refused to unhand a Let’s Rock Elmo doll.

The situation “degenerated quickly” according to an eyewitness, prompting the boy’s father, Daddy, to completely panic.

“He stopped, dropped and rolled,” the witness said. “Right in front of the bouncy balls. Then he called 911.”

Asked why he didn’t just pick his belligerent son up, Daddy said, “You ever tried to take a half-digested rat out of a python’s belly?”

No, and I’m not sure that analogy applies here, but what is sure is that in what some are calling a massive, inappropriate pissing away of tax dollars, the boys of station 409 answered the call.

“Happens all the time,” chief Darrell Rogers said. “Baby in toy aisle is the new cat in tree, if you catch my drift. At least we didn’t have to use the Jaws of Life on this one.”

Firefighters blocked off a three-aisle radius, from newborn clearance items all the way to pre-teen girls. Libby Hutchins was one of the dozens of angry customers forced to wait out the ensuing standoff.

“I tried to sneak under the barricade, but a bulging, handsome firefighter with calloused hands wrestled and pinned me to the floor,” Hutchins said, taking a deep breath. “Needless to say, five minutes later, I tried again.”

Rogers called what happened next standard protocol.

“Phase one is essentially attempting to lure the youngster out peaceably with a lilty voice and a bag of Pop Rocks,” Rogers said. “When that failed, we brought in the hose.”

“They totally blasted him!” Daddy said. “It was phenomenal. One minute he’s sitting there in silent insolence and then BAM! Like flicking an ant off your big toe. Peeeeeeewww.”

“Merely a light spritzing,” Rogers said. “Just enough to propel him into the burlap sack and get him on his way.”

“Needless to say I shall be suing the city of Chicago for excessive use of force, inflicting pain, suffering and mental anguish,” Bub said. “And Target for essentially having a Garden of Eden for toddlers and no posted hose warnings. Oh, and Daddy. For laughing.”

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