Friday, June 22, 2012

Boy Finds Finger in Yogurt, Sues Parents

A Chicago toddler known as Bub gave “finger foods” a new meaning yesterday when he discovered an errant digit enmeshed in his bowl of Chobani yogurt.

“I thought it was a chunk of mango,” he said. “Then I found myself wondering, do mangoes have fingernails?”

Authorities are just trying to finger it all out.

Quick to point fingers in a particular direction, Bub is suing his father, Daddy, for reckless endangerment and failure to notice a human body part buoyed in a serving of baby food.

Danny Greenstone, Bub’s lawyer, clarified: “Any time an appendage is found in an otherwise edible arena, liability is determined by who allowed said appendage to reach said position.”

“Kid threw his spoon on the floor and stuck his finger in the bowl,” Daddy said. “Big whoop.”

“Nevertheless, the fact remains that there was a finger in my client’s food,” Greenstone answered. “You’ll notice Mr. Daddy is not denying that.”

“It was his own fucking finger!” Daddy screamed.

“Well, I think we can all just say praise Jesus that he didn’t take a bite, then! We’ll see you in court, sir.”

The potential ramifications of the suit were already sending shockwaves around the finger food community. Cocktail Weenie announced toothpicks will now be included in every package of itself. Finger Sandwich legally changed its name to Utensil Friendly Sandwich. Ethiopian Food opened formal negotiations with Fork. Chicken Fingers just retired.

Others took more drastic measures. Colonel Sanders, in a pre-emptive strike, officially announced that his chicken is now “bone-sucking good.” Fingerhut made no change, since nobody’s quite sure what it is. The Finger Lakes simply drained themselves. And Rollie Fingers holed up in a bunker in northern Arizona “until this blows over” with a few canned goods, water and his handlebar mustache.

Police have asked anyone with information about the case, or just any poor bastard with nine fingers, to step forward.

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