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| Toddler Bub tries unsuccessfully to resuscitate Cookie. |
Children, parents and high fructose corn syrup alike today
mourned the loss of the iconic Cookie Monster, after an autopsy revealed he
succumbed to “just one too many” of his beloved sweet treats. He was 45.
“I think I speak for the world when I say we will all
remember his voracious appetite, poor grammar and lackluster table manners,” cookie
mogul Famous Amos said. “He will be missed as both a friend and a platinum level
customer.”
In a similarly touching sentiment, the Keebler Elves
announced they were shutting down production in the old tree house.
“Yeah, lack of demand,” Tom Elf said. “The respect stuff,
too, sure, but come on, who is seriously going to fill that void?”
They didn’t call him Cookie Monster for nothing. In his
heyday, he convinced Reagan to list cookies as vegetables. He appeared nude on
magazine covers, rubbed elbows with the Brat Pack at his infamous Nutter Butter
Parties. Kids wanted to be him, women wanted to be on him. He found the cookies
coming fast and way too easy.
Mrs. Monster recalled, “He’d disappear for days at a time,
miss tapings and anniversaries. He forgot my name one time. Then he’d show up
reeking of Pecan Sandies.”
After a couple very public stints in rehab and an on-air
tirade directed at a temp who bought brownie bites instead of cookies,
his career began to spiral out of control. But Mrs. Monster said the tipping
point wasn’t until 2006, when he was made to say on the show that cookies were
a “sometime snack” and that he mostly ate fruits and eggplant.
“After that, he really let himself go,” she said. “He bought
dollar store cookies. His eyes stopped googling. And then they animated him.
That’s when the Type 2 set in.”
Count von Count, another of the former mainstays now
relegated to cameos and animated renderings, said he could relate to Cookie’s
depression in the Age of Elmo.
“I do birthday parties now. Me, a count!” Count said. “Ooh,
how old are you today, Billy? Oh, ten! Ah ah ah. Fuck my life.”
A memorial will be held next week, whence he will be
interred in a giant cookie jar. Speakers will include Mr. Snuffleupagus and the guy who played Biff in Back to the Future. A newly-formed tribute band, Biscotti by Nature, will also perform.
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