A Chicago father known as Daddy saw his grandiose plans for
what he was calling Baby-Off go up in smoke amid outrage from the Children’s
Defense Fund.
“It was going to be a lot like the Special Olympics,” Daddy
said. “But with more drool.”
“It’s insulting on so many levels,” said Lisa Woodson,
spokesperson for the CDF. “Did you see the event list?”
According to records, proposed events included a spit-up
competition, a staring contest and a teeth-off, wherein babies gnaw on rocks of
varying degrees of hardness with points awarded for indentations.
“And let’s not forget the cry-off. Two competitors enter the
arena and attempt to cry the other into submission,” Daddy said. “Simple,
gladitorial. I built the arena myself out of a used litter box and some duct tape.”
“We will simply not sit by and watch children be degraded
like little pawns in a game they can’t possibly comprehend,” Woodson said.
“It’s as barbaric as it is asinine.”
“Well, I’m not sure, but I think by pawn she is referring to the ancient
Zen art of making a rock garden out of fish bones and moonbeams,”
Daddy said. “Bottom line is we all know it’s a scientific fact that kids can’t remember
anything before the age of six, so no harm, no foul.”
What was less "factual" was where the funding, location or competitors
were to come from.
“Like any true visionary, you have to expect to be initially
ridiculed by the masses,” Daddy said. “First time Einstein flipped on that
light switch, you can bet there was a jealous naysayer nearby to say, ‘Yeah,
right, like that’ll ever catch on.’”
“It’s really just a shame for the kids,” Daddy continued. “Me? I’ll
be okay, but it was really about sinking down to that level, treating them
like little people instead of hairless little Ewoks.”
Asked what he was going to do now that his master plan had
been scuttled and he figured to have plenty of free, unstructured time, Daddy thought for a minute:
“I think I’ll re-alphabetize my VHS collection. Teach my son
to pull my finger. And continue my samurai training, of course.”
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