Thursday, May 17, 2012
Father’s Birthday Wish of Day Off Does Not Come True
A local father known as Daddy expressed general dismay today as his lone birthday wish to have a day free of parental responsibilities was roundly rejected by his son Bub.
“Quite simply, one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard,” Bub said. “And trust me, he’s had some doozies.”
“Look, every day, here I am, wiping his crevices, buttering his toast,” Daddy said. “Well, what about me? I like toast. I have crevices.”
“I’m not some small appliance you can just unplug and put under the sink. I’m a toddler, damnit. Don’t ever forget that,” Bub said.
“I just don’t get it. I concentrated real hard. Blew out all the candles, did everything by the book,” Daddy said. “I got hosed.”
“Look, even I know that if you say your wish out loud it won’t come true,” Bub said, adding, “Dummy.”
“You know he didn’t even buy me a present?” Daddy said. “Oh, he got me a card, yeah. With a kitten on it. I fucking hate cats.”
“I tried to order him a fine feature film, The Buns of the Navarone,” Bub said. “But he wrested the remote away from me before I could complete the order.”
Asked what his ideal birthday would have looked like, Daddy said:
“I don’t know. Play some croquet, shotgun a few beers and throw rocks at abandoned buildings. Maybe shoot some squirrels with BB guns, get some Taco Bell.”
“What are you, thirteen? I don’t know what to tell the guy other than this is what you get for shtupping my mother,” Bub said. “Happy birthday. I've got a present for you in my diaper.”