A Chicago father “misconstrued” airline verbiage about
travelling with toddlers when he used his son like a rented chaise lounge
aboard a cross-country flight.
The incident occurred Tuesday somewhere over Kansas, while
unknowing Topekans slumbered peacefully some 37,000 feet below.
According to an anonymous flight attendant, the man, known
as Daddy, returned from a routine lavatory visit to seat 29F and proceeded to
plop down in his son’s lap.
“There I was, finishing up a rather interesting article on
the Szechuan region of China,” the baby, known as Bub said, “Then a giant
meteor suddenly burned through my atmosphere and crashed into my surface. And
that meteor was Lapsit Daddy.”
“If his son were a curb, let’s just say he made a driveway,”
the attendant said.
“I mean, lapsit child—how else could you possibly interpret
that?” Daddy asked. “It’s like Sitting Bear. A bear on which
I can sit.”
Did you just compare your son to the revered Kiowa warrior?
“Ooh, when did Bub join the Kiwanis?” he said. “I love their
pancake breakfasts. Killer sausage patties.”
When told that a lapsit child is defined as a child under
the age of two that the parents are too cheap to buy a seat for and therefore
must sit on one of said parents’ laps for the duration of the flight, Daddy
said:
“Well, it’s open to interpretation,” he said. “It’s like,
babies are always screaming about equal rights, then they don’t want to share
their laps. Bit of a double standard, you ask me.”
We didn’t. But we did ask if he considered the physical
ramifications of his actions.
“Yeah, but he’s only 19 months,” he said. When stared at, he
added, “So, you know, he doesn’t have bones and cartilage yet.”
Interesting. And when exactly do those bones come in?
“Oh, you know, they’re like teeth,” he said. “Whenever they
feel like it. I don’t think there’s a specific timetable, really. What do they
say—every kid’s a snowflake or some shit?”
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