Monday, May 7, 2012
Father Misinterprets Concept of Lapsit Child
A Chicago father “misconstrued” airline verbiage about travelling with toddlers when he used his son like a rented chaise lounge aboard a cross-country flight.
The incident occurred Tuesday somewhere over Kansas, while unknowing Topekans slumbered peacefully some 37,000 feet below.
According to an anonymous flight attendant, the man, known as Daddy, returned from a routine lavatory visit to seat 29F and proceeded to plop down in his son’s lap.
“There I was, finishing up a rather interesting article on the Szechuan region of China,” the baby, known as Bub said, “Then a giant meteor suddenly burned through my atmosphere and crashed into my surface. And that meteor was Lapsit Daddy.”
“If his son were a curb, let’s just say he made a driveway,” the attendant said.
“I mean, lapsit child—how else could you possibly interpret that?” Daddy asked. “It’s like Sitting Bear. A bear on which I can sit.”
Did you just compare your son to the revered Kiowa warrior?
“Ooh, when did Bub join the Kiwanis?” he said. “I love their pancake breakfasts. Killer sausage patties.”
When told that a lapsit child is defined as a child under the age of two that the parents are too cheap to buy a seat for and therefore must sit on one of said parents’ laps for the duration of the flight, Daddy said:
“Well, it’s open to interpretation,” he said. “It’s like, babies are always screaming about equal rights, then they don’t want to share their laps. Bit of a double standard, you ask me.”
We didn’t. But we did ask if he considered the physical ramifications of his actions.
“Yeah, but he’s only 19 months,” he said. When stared at, he added, “So, you know, he doesn’t have bones and cartilage yet.”
Interesting. And when exactly do those bones come in?
“Oh, you know, they’re like teeth,” he said. “Whenever they feel like it. I don’t think there’s a specific timetable, really. What do they say—every kid’s a snowflake or some shit?”