Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Local Baby Trains, Plans to Challenge World’s Strongest Toddler
The local toddler known as Bub has decided to enter the competitive meathead arena by throwing his hat in the upcoming annual World’s Strongest Toddler competition.
“Just wearing these tights makes me want to break something. Anything,” a wide-eyed Bub said. “Hand me that replica terracotta solider.”
He will have his work cut out for him.
The current title holder of course is 3 year-old Igor Chechimsky of the former Soviet Union. Often mistaken for a rock quarry with facial hair, Chechimsky routinely shits ball peen hammers and single-handedly restructured the S.S.R. after a particularly intense day of training.
“I am carb-load one day before match and all markets closed. So I eat Republics,” he said.
Nicknamed “The Baddest Motherfucking Toddler on Earth,” Chechimsky’s reputation far exceeds his .82 meter frame. Two years ago, he won the Ax Chop competition by simply farting on his oak.
“Yes, I saw it on YouTube. Favorable downwind,” Bub said, fidgeting in his seat. “Can you hand me that coffee table? I’m hungry.”
“It’s true we’ve made some changes for the training,” Daddy, Bub’s father and de facto trainer said. “We swapped his Vitamin D out for Muscle Milk. He eats turtle shells. Oh, and I replaced that Twinkle Twinkle bedtime CD shit with Cannibal Corpse.”
But how is he actually training? How will he prepare for such self-explanatory events as the Log Toss and the Bus Drag?
“Shake Weight,” Daddy said, adding, “Duh.”
For some reason, Chechimsky, adhering to his competition diet of fossilized tree trunks, toasted eagle talons and warm cobra piss, didn’t seem overly concerned with his challenger.
“I am like Hulk,” he said. “Only stronger. This Bub is like mosquito. Buzz buzz buzz, then…” He claps his hands. A window shatters somewhere. “I crush him.”