Friday, May 11, 2012
Father and Son Accidentally Make Out, Papa Kissyface Promptly Retires
A Chicago father known as Daddy shared an awkward “wet one” with his son Bub last week, pushing masculine insecurities into the red and prompting an immediate Rambo marathon.
“I LOVE BOOBIES!!!” Daddy screamed to no one in particular. “And machine guns. And foxholes. And camaraderie and musk and the occasional group shower. But mostly boobies.”
The involved have been tight-lipped about the open-mouth incident, which apparently took place during a routine diaper change.
“Basically, I try to nurture my kid and he starts rounding second on me,” Daddy summated. “Save that shit for your mother. Wait…”
“In my defense, I’d had, like, six or seven ounces of milk,” Bub said. “I was completely hammered.”
“My son is obviously not comfortable with man on man affection,” Daddy said. “Maybe we’ll try a hug in a decade or so, buddy.”
“I’ve heard whisperings of this ‘affection’ thing, but I never thought it would look like Daddy inching his face up to mine, screaming ‘Papa Kissyface! Papa Kissyface!’ like some kind of retarded parrot,” Bub said. “I mean, what IS that?”
Asked if he thought that by creating the Papa Kissyface character, Daddy was in effect, dissociating himself from himself to be able to express affection, no matter how odd the form, and that perhaps he was the one who was uncomfortable giving and receiving affection, Daddy said:
“That’s kind of a leading question, isn’t it?” Then added, “Not to mention fucking stupid.”
Asked if he thought his son was too young for a bloody Rambo marathon, Daddy responded:
“I don’t know, is the pope too young to shit in the woods? I wish my dad had taught me how to string claymores and change a banana clip under duress.”
The two did, however, come to terms on the Father/Son Affection Statement, which clearly prohibits nearly all forms of outward affection, except for (of course) the occasional high-five.