Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Local Baby Challenges World’s Youngest MENSA Member to Battle of Wits

A local toddler named Bub has challenged Emmelyn Roettger, the much ballyhooed MENSA baby, to a battle of wits.

Roettger made headlines recently by joining MENSA, the Massively Enormous Nerd Safehouse Association, at the ripe old age of just 2 years, 11 months, the youngest in the history of the world.

Her IQ is 135 and she has a working vocabulary of 50,000+ words across a half-dozen tongues, including Quechua, Sanskrit and Klingon.

Bub waves good morning to fire hydrants and has a pet stick. His academic achievements include ripping out three pages of Goodnight, Moon and nearly ordering an adult film to the cable box.

The Buns of the Navarone,” Bub said. “The one that got away.”

As is often the case, where there’s a baby, there’s an annoying parent there to speak for it. We asked Daddy, Bub’s father and chronic instigator, how he thought his son could possibly contend intellectually with a bona fide genius.

“Really not too worried about it,” Daddy said. “I saw her on the Today  show. The host is all like, ‘What moon of Uranus is this?’ and the kid’s like ‘I gotta poop.’ Well, guess what? I had falafel for lunch and now I gotta poop. Guess I’m a genius, too. Besides, everybody knows Uranus has no moons, kid.”

Actually, it has 27. When pinned down as to how he seriously expected his 19 month-old to compete with unrelenting brain muscle, Daddy said:

“She’s, what, 2 years and 11 months? So that’s like…well, it’s over two years older than Bub. But I’ve got two words for you: Roshambo, bitches!”

Rock, Paper, Scissors. A rubric far more accurate than any GRE score; a true equalizer. As one might expect, the parental trash talk quickly ensued.

“You know what they say,” Mr. Roettger said. “You mess with the 100th percentile, you get the horns.”

“Nobody ever said that,” Daddy said. “But just like his old man, Bub’s in the 280th percentile, so…”

“Is this guy for real?” Roettger responded. Yes, he is. “He’s denser than iridium!”

“What the fuck is an iridium?” Daddy said.

Should be a gas. The competition will be held a week from tomorrow. The winner stands to take home bragging rights in the form of a ‘My Kid Bitch-Slapped Your Kid Right in the Brains’ bumper sticker.

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