A Chicago toddler known as Bub leveled discrimination
accusations against the Chicago Bulls basketball organization after being cut
from tryouts for the Junior Luvabulls dance squad.
The Luvabulls are of course the regionally famous
cheerleading squad for the Bulls, known for their potent combination of scissor
kicks and Annie Oakley-esque mastery of the T-shirt cannon.
The Junior Luvabulls were founded several years ago “to
instill young girls with self-esteem, promote coordinated calisthenics and
foster an early love of the booty short.”
“It was a tight squeeze,” Bub said. “What with all this junk
up in my trunk.”
Though the squad is, by definition, made up entirely of
young girls, they maintain they are open to members of the male sex who can
“bring it.”
“Corporate makes us say that,” Karen Jones, Junior Luvabulls
coach said. “This kid has about as much of a chance as Wheelchair Wendy.”
“Well, we actually invented diversity. We’re just waiting on
the patent. So there’s that,” Tom O’Leary, head of Bulls PR said. “I think this
particular accuser simply does not fit the image of a Junior Luvabull.”
“I think my moves intimidated them a bit, if we’re being
completely honest,” Bub said. “And it’s human nature to tear down what we don’t
understand.”
“Well, the whole diaper sticking out of the booty shorts
didn’t really do it for me,” O’Leary added. “And off the record, his back
handspring is for shit.”
Should he litigiously pursue his way onto the squad, Bub
would, at 19 months, be the youngest member by over seven years. We asked his
father, Daddy, what he thought of his son being cut from the team.
“Well, he can’t jump, so that’s self-limiting,” Daddy said. “He’s
like a chicken trying to fly the coop. But he can’t fly. So he becomes nuggets.
Is anybody else here hungry?”
“I think this kid’s only angle is going to be thinking outside
the winner’s box,” O’Leary said. “Maybe we load him into the T-shirt cannon. It
could be a whole halftime thing, like catch the baby, win a Crave Case. I’m
just spitballing here. We’d need parental consent, of course.”
Daddy said, “Mmm, sliders.”
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