Father Starts Rumpus at Children’s Museum

Courtesy of Uncle Marty

 A Chicago father known as Daddy was publically scorned and nearly arrested yesterday after fostering an “unpleasant, idiotic atmosphere” at the Chicago Children’s Museum.

“Mr. Daddy was apparently under the impression that children were somehow on display like a kiddie zoo,” curator Frank Gillard said. “The man’s an idiot.”

“No, no, no. More like a petting zoo. You know, like you buy Cheerios from the quarter machine and feed the cute ones,” Daddy said. “Hey, don’t steal my idea, yo.”

“He scadded about erratically, screaming ‘GET BACK IN YOUR CAGES!!!’ at all the kids,” Gillard recounted. “Then security tased him. Idiot.”

“I was at least expecting some historical dioramas of little Neanderthal kids getting trampled by wooly mammoths and shit,” Daddy said. “Instead I pissed my pants and forgot where I was for an hour.”

When he awoke from the taser-induced nap, Daddy apparently pleaded fervently with Gillard to accept his son, Bub, as a “Friends of a Friend of a Friend of the Museum” level donation.

“I thought they could at the very least do some research on him,” Daddy said. “Find out why he’s so annoying, maybe?”

“I told the idiot to try the Salvation Army,” Gillard said. “They are always accepting donations.”

“Yeah, I wish,” Daddy responded. “They won’t take him till he’s 18.”

Daddy threatened to sue for millions, but settled out of court for his $12 admission fee and a complimentary Segue tour. He also publicly demanded that the museum change its name on the grounds that it’s “misleading.” Gillard said he has no plans to change the name.

“I guess I can vaguely see the confusion, though” Gillard said. “If there were an Idiot Museum, I’d expect to find a bunch of idiots.”