Monday, July 9, 2012

Dyslexic Scientist Accidentally Discovers Elusive Dog Particle

“Reveling in cautious optimism” is the prevailing mood in Zurich today after a scientist may have stumbled upon the fabled Dog Particle.

Neil Bore, of Lucerne, says he discovered the particle early Wednesday on his kitchen counter when accidentally dislodged the crumbs from his toaster.

“I thought it was an M&M at first,” Bore explained. “I was this close to eating it.”

“The Dog Particle just reaffirms what we have long held true,” said John Richter, president of the World Caninist Awareness Movement. “That dogs have always lived and continue still to live among us.”

If this is true, of course, it means that dog shit you tracked into the foyer was, in fact, dog shit.

The discovery seemingly dealt a crushing blow to the Babaists, who have denied the existence of dogs for centuries.

“The so-called Dog Particle doesn’t change our dogma in the least,” said grand baba Jango Still. “We are a people of faith, not science. I mean, just because something humps your leg doesn’t mean it’s necessarily real.”

But what about dog parks, doggie bags and dog tags? The dog days of summer and hair of the dog?

“Merely tests of faith,” Still said. “And I’m happy to say we Babaists are passing with flying colors.”

Perhaps the biggest winners with the discovery were members of the dog service community. Long derided in Babaist circles as “shamans,” “witch doctors,” or even worse, today veterinarians, breeders, groomers, walkers and kennelists rejoiced in unison at their legitimization.

“I used to tell people I walked dogs for a living and they’d say, ‘Yeah, right, loser,’” Jackson Terriff, non-exempt employee of Pregnant Paws said. “Well, who’s the loser now?”

On the other hand, the cat world seemed conflicted about the discovery.

“It’s kind of like learning that monster in your closet is real,” said Sir Arthur Bennington, a well-fed Tabby. “Congratulations, you’re not crazy! Now run for your lives, bitches.”

Clifford the Big Red Dog could not be reached for comment, fueling rumors that despite the discovery, they don't really make dogs in that color.

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