Thursday, August 2, 2012
Obstinate Local Father Spearheads Parental Olympics Initiative
A Chicago father known as Daddy has unveiled a plan to pit neophyte parents against one another in a variety of competitive arenas in what he’s calling the inaugural Parent-Off.
“It’s a response to all the hush-hush judgments,” Daddy said. “You know, like ‘What kind of parent lets his toddler eat dirt and honey for breakfast?’ Well, it’s time to put your toddler where your mouth is, bitches.”
This proposal comes a couple months after the nixing of his original idea, the Baby-Off, which was to pit young gladiatorial prospects in such riveting heads-up competitions as the Staredown and the Drool-off.
“Baby-Off was too much like midget porn,” Daddy said. “Fun for a few minutes, but in the end, you’re left staring at a bunch of short people making you feel weird. This is way more sophisticated.”
Critics were quick to point out that none of the “sophistication,” such as Most Convincing Elephant Sound or the Playground Obstacle Course actually has any bearing whatsoever on one’s parental aptitude.
Daddy was quick to counter, “What the fuck is aptitude?”
He also drew scorn from the child-caring community, with some of his event descriptions. Straight from the rule book:
Baby Roundup: Each contestant receives one burlap sack. Toddlers are fed a shit-ton of Oreos and then released into gymnasium with five second head start. Contestants rush to “bag” (picture Borat and Pamela Anderson), as many kids as possible before buzzer sounds.
We asked the only other registered participant, Daddy’s son Bub, what he thought of the Baby Roundup event.
“I don’t really like Oreos,” he said. “Other than that, it sounds like a fairly typical Tuesday afternoon.”
It will likely all be a moot point, though, as there is currently no funding, no sponsors, and the location is listed as “in the street, bitches.” However, according to Daddy, they do have a “pretty dope logo.”