Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Father Opens Baby Petting Zoo

Feed at own risk!
Riding the momentum of an EMBARRASSING CHILDREN’S MUSEUM INCIDENT, and spurred on by no one in particular, a Chicago father known as Daddy has opened a private child petting zoo.

“The idea came to me like a vision. Just like the spirit horse, yo,” Daddy said. “I’m providing the rare opportunity here to gaze upon a baby in his natural habitat.”

“He means my crib,” Bub, his son, said. “And yeah, I’m not really a baby anymore. I talk and everything.”

“He’s right, of course, he’s not a baby,” Daddy said. “He is…The Exhibition!”

“He means The Exhibit,” Bub said. “And, by the way, would you mind phoning my lawyer?”

The press release for the opening states that the Touch Bublini exhibit is now open to the public, from 9-5 Monday thru Saturday, nap or wake. Admission for adults is $20, kids under two are free. Cash only. Daily Skills Exposition at noon (supplementary fee applies). No refunds. Valet parking available for $10.

We asked Daddy out of morbid curiosity what the Daily Skills Exposition consisted of. He was happy to indulge us.

“Take the best dolphin show you’ve ever seen. Multiply that by 200. Subtract the water. Then take away those annoying squeaky noises, add fireworks, a fog machine, and a certain bitchin’ Scorpions tune, and I think you’re looking at money well spent.”

“He has also installed this degrading goldfish cracker dispenser right next to my crib so people can feed me like some sort of gimpy dairy goat,” Bub said. “Which reminds me, can I borrow a quarter?”

“I’d watch my digits if I were you. The kid’s a known biter,” Daddy said. “Also, don’t bang on the slats or make any sudden, aggressive gestures. No line-jumping or flash photography. And no swearing, bitches. This is a family establishment.”

As security is listed simply as “my overwhelming brawn,” we asked Daddy if he really thought it was a good idea to have strangers in and out of his son’s bedroom at all hours of the day. Aside from the obvious cleanliness and health concerns, somebody could easily stuff Bub in an oversized fanny pack while Daddy is distracted and make a run for it. Then you’re out an entire child plus your sideshow. Did he not ever stop to consider this?

“Well...did they or did they not pay first?” Daddy said. “I’m just asking.”

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