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| Feed at own risk! |
Riding the momentum of an EMBARRASSING
CHILDREN’S MUSEUM INCIDENT, and spurred on by no one in particular, a
Chicago father known as Daddy has opened a private child petting zoo.
“The idea came to me like a vision. Just like the spirit
horse, yo,” Daddy said. “I’m providing the rare opportunity here to gaze upon a
baby in his natural habitat.”
“He means my crib,” Bub, his son, said. “And yeah, I’m not
really a baby anymore. I talk and everything.”
“He’s right, of course, he’s not a baby,” Daddy said. “He
is…The Exhibition!”
“He means The Exhibit,” Bub said. “And, by the way, would
you mind phoning my lawyer?”
The press release for the opening states that the Touch Bublini exhibit is now open to the
public, from 9-5 Monday thru Saturday, nap or wake. Admission for adults is
$20, kids under two are free. Cash only. Daily Skills Exposition at noon
(supplementary fee applies). No refunds. Valet parking available for $10.
We asked Daddy out of morbid curiosity what the Daily Skills
Exposition consisted of. He was happy to indulge us.
“Take the best dolphin show you’ve ever seen. Multiply that
by 200. Subtract the water. Then take away those annoying squeaky noises, add
fireworks, a fog machine, and a certain bitchin’ Scorpions tune, and I think
you’re looking at money well spent.”
“He has also installed this degrading goldfish cracker
dispenser right next to my crib so people can feed me like some sort of gimpy
dairy goat,” Bub said. “Which reminds me, can I borrow a quarter?”
“I’d watch my digits if I were you. The kid’s a known biter,”
Daddy said. “Also, don’t bang on the slats or make any sudden, aggressive
gestures. No line-jumping or flash photography. And no swearing, bitches. This
is a family establishment.”
As security is listed simply as “my overwhelming brawn,” we
asked Daddy if he really thought it was a good idea to have strangers in and
out of his son’s bedroom at all hours of the day. Aside from the obvious
cleanliness and health concerns, somebody could easily stuff Bub in an
oversized fanny pack while Daddy is distracted and make a run for it. Then
you’re out an entire child plus your sideshow. Did he not ever stop to consider
this?
“Well...did they or did they not pay first?” Daddy said. “I’m
just asking.”
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