Friday, August 24, 2012

Toddler Walks On, Makes Ohio State Football Team

A local toddler is set to shock the collegiate sports world by being the youngest player in NCAA history to don shoulder pads and a cup.

The 23 month-old, known as Bub, said he had some trouble with the bench press ("too heavy"), but that his 40 yard dash time (82.4 seconds) “all but sealed the deal.”

“Okay, so, the sanctions hit our recruiting a little harder than I thought, fine,” Coach Urban Meyer said. “You should have seen the gimps I cut.”

Size may not matter, but at 32" and 24 lbs., Bub has already been mistaken around the practice facility for a hash mark, a really long zoom lens and, yes, a defective Gatorade cooler. 

"#94 just kept grunting and pushing my belly button. Then he turned me upside down before throwing me under the bleachers," Bub said. "I don't think he's on scholarship."

“Well, he won’t be doing a lot of lead blocking, I can tell you that," Meyer chuckled. "But we feel he could be an elusive asset. He’s like a little bonsai amongst, you know, the real trees. Write that down.”

Because of the impending sanctions, Bub won’t be eligible for scholarship until the 2046 season. But the immediate, obvious questions of his student status were quickly defused.

“Already been accepted. Done. His essay was particularly moving,” Meyer said, with a crude masturbatory gesture. “Please, it’s a fucking state school. Off the record, you know how many retards get in here every year?”

Well, one retard who never got in to OSU is Bub’s fanboy father, Daddy.

“Yeah, nobody was more surprised than me,” Daddy said. “The kid can’t throw a spiral for shit.”

“Like I said, beggars can’t be choosers,” Meyer said. “Hell, he might have started at Penn State. What? Too soon?”

You can find out when the Buckeyes kick off their 2012 campaign next week against the mighty juggernaut of Miami (Ohio).

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