A local father known as Daddy created an e-ruckus yesterday
by putting his firstborn on the virtual auction block.
Listing #32,876,398 was titled “Gently Used Blonde/Blue Male
Toddler,” and the reserve price was set at twenty U.S. dollars. The item description
was as follows:
Gently used 22 month-old up for bids! Answers to the name
Bub. Normal signs of wear and tear, but all parts working. Moderate drooling
problem. Huge head. Yogurtarian. Possibly ambidextrous. Makes a great party
favor or White Elephant gift. Knows numbers, his ABCs and several useful obscenities.
Loves bubbles. Current on all shots. Bankie included.
“Technically he’s a 2010 model (October), so Blue book, he’s
down to $200 already,” Daddy said. “I know, right? You know what they say—as soon
as you take em out of the hospital the value drops by like half.”
Asked what his inspiration for such stupidity was, Daddy
said:
“Well, I’ve had plenty of interest. People will come up to
me at the playground and be like, ‘I’ll give you twenty bucks for him, ha ha.’
That kind of thing. So I thought, why do community theater when Broadway is
right here on my computer?”
Despite his pedestrian analogy, the item was listed as Local
Pick up Only.
“Yeah, I LEARNED
MY LESSON about shipping babies the hard way,” Daddy said. “Not walking
down that slippery slope again.”
“While eBay policies do not explicitly forbid the selling of
human beings, it’s just kind of a common sense thing,” spokesman Jeff Tillman
said. “Besides, that shit would never get through the post office, anyway.”
The baby was taken down after 27 minutes, a real crusher for Daddy.
“People sell babies all the time, what’s the big whoop? I’m
trying to boost the economy!” Daddy said, adding, “Maybe it was the reserve
price. Twenty bucks might have been pushing it.”
Asked what he was going to do now, since parenting was
apparently not on the horizon, Daddy said:
“eBay’s not the only auctioneering game in town. I’m taking
my talents to Quibids, bitches.”
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