Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Father Lists Son on eBay

A local father known as Daddy created an e-ruckus yesterday by putting his firstborn on the virtual auction block.

Listing #32,876,398 was titled “Gently Used Blonde/Blue Male Toddler,” and the reserve price was set at twenty U.S. dollars. The item description was as follows:

Gently used 22 month-old up for bids! Answers to the name Bub. Normal signs of wear and tear, but all parts working. Moderate drooling problem. Huge head. Yogurtarian. Possibly ambidextrous. Makes a great party favor or White Elephant gift. Knows numbers, his ABCs and several useful obscenities. Loves bubbles. Current on all shots. Bankie included.

“Technically he’s a 2010 model (October), so Blue book, he’s down to $200 already,” Daddy said. “I know, right? You know what they say—as soon as you take em out of the hospital the value drops by like half.”

Asked what his inspiration for such stupidity was, Daddy said:

“Well, I’ve had plenty of interest. People will come up to me at the playground and be like, ‘I’ll give you twenty bucks for him, ha ha.’ That kind of thing. So I thought, why do community theater when Broadway is right here on my computer?”

Despite his pedestrian analogy, the item was listed as Local Pick up Only.

“Yeah, I LEARNED MY LESSON about shipping babies the hard way,” Daddy said. “Not walking down that slippery slope again.”

“While eBay policies do not explicitly forbid the selling of human beings, it’s just kind of a common sense thing,” spokesman Jeff Tillman said. “Besides, that shit would never get through the post office, anyway.”

The baby was taken down after 27 minutes, a real crusher for Daddy.

“People sell babies all the time, what’s the big whoop? I’m trying to boost the economy!” Daddy said, adding, “Maybe it was the reserve price. Twenty bucks might have been pushing it.”

Asked what he was going to do now, since parenting was apparently not on the horizon, Daddy said:

“eBay’s not the only auctioneering game in town. I’m taking my talents to Quibids, bitches.”

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