Monday, August 6, 2012
Toddler Sues World For Being Too F-ing Big
A Chicago two year-old known as Bub is suing the entire world for being “very user unfriendly.”
The suit comes on the heels of a “crushing” incident at the playground, as Bub explains:
“So, I’m talking to a young woman in front of the seesaw. I’m all like, ‘You wanna grab a drink?’ And she’s all like ‘Teehee, it’s a little early in the day, but okay.’ Yeah, I couldn’t reach the water fountain.”
“Oh man, I wish I had that on video. It was awesome,” Daddy, Bub’s father said. “He goes from straight-up pimping to standing there like go-go Gadget arm and shit.”
“Needless to say, that was the end of our little rendezvous,” Bub said. “Suddenly she was more of a ‘juice person.’ The one that got away, eh?”
The Napoleonic suit names a litany of grievances against man and nature, from “ginormous steps” to “unchecked foliage.”
“There’s shrubbery in our front yard that dwarfs me,” Bub said. “Now how do you think that makes me feel?”
Bub says he’s had a veritable outpouring of support, including from the infamous Jonas Davies, head of The A.T.A. (Angry Tikes of America). Davies of course made headlines recently when this diatribe at a local Denny’s went viral:
“Kids menu? Let me guess. A hot dog, a burger. Ooh, a cheeseburger. PB&J. Nuggetry of a dubious nature. A what-the-fuck-are-you-smiling-at choco-waffle for breakfast. Jesus, I’ve got more creativity in my balls. And they haven’t even dropped yet.”
“A little reactionary, perhaps, but their little hearts are in the right place,” Bub said.
It is unclear what exactly Bub is suing for, other than “justice,” but he says that raising awareness is the first step.
“Imagine if you needed a trampoline to get into bed at night or advanced mountain-climbing gear to board the bus? That’s what this is all about.”
In a bizarre twist, the United States of America has countersued, claiming that bigger is in fact better. Numerous examples are cited, including Hummer limos, the Super Big Gulp and Texas.