Saturday, August 11, 2012

Toddler to Market New Condiment Diet

A precocious local entrepreneur named Bub has announced the launch of a new condiment-based diet called Condimaximum!

“First off, I dislike the word diet—the word itself sounds like your giving things up that you really want,” Bub said. “Condimaximum! is more of a life journey.”

The trailhead for that life journey apparently begins with a bottle each of ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise.

“The gateway condiments,” Bub said. “But I can promise you they are merely the tip of the spiceberg.”

In addition to the “holy trinity” of condiments, the Starter Kit also includes a Pocket Sauce Guide, for meals on the run, as well as the pamphlet Huge Sauce—Your Guide to Buying Condiments in Bulk.

“Hey, those 5 gallon tubs of Miracle Whip are no urban legends,” Bub said. “In fact, I polished another one off just last night.”

Asked what his inspiration for the plan was, Bub said, “What can I say? I love the smell of Hellmann’s in the morning.”

He also said the secret to the plan is to not eat your vessel until it literally disintegrates into the sauce itself, whereby you’ve actually increased your overall volume of sauce. Critics were quick to point out this was really stupid.

Undaunted, Bub went on to tout the plan’s economical benefits: “’Um, yes, I’ll have three fries, please.’ ‘Three orders, sir?’ ‘No, just three fries.’ They usually just give you some that got stuck in the basket, then you load up at the condiment buffet. Breakfast of champions.”  

There is a Stage 2 kit in the works, called Your Guide to Chunks.

“These are not your grandmothers condiments,” Bub said. “This gets into some real heavy hitters--your salsas, tzatziki, relishes, Bolognese, etc.”

And a  spin-off product, Bubonnaise, which a press release calls “a zesty ascot to accentuate any sandwich,” is still test-marketing, but you can currently find Condimaximum! on any respectable informercial channel for $9.99 plus shipping.

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