Saturday, September 8, 2012

Father Bemoans State of Current Toddler Black Market

After what he calls and “exhaustive” search covering a 2 block radius, a local father known as Daddy was appalled to learn that his toddler is worth next to nothing on the streets.

“Must be the economy,” Daddy said. “People just aren’t plunking down for babies the way they used to.”

This comes fresh on the heels of Daddy listing Bub on eBay, a failed twenty minute endeavor that ended with zero bids and a devastated child.

“Somebody just paid three grand for Lindsey Lohan’s skidmarked thong, and I can’t get a minimum bid of twenty bucks?” Bub said. “Ouch, world.”

“A guy a couple alleys over that offered me 60 bucks and a free kidney, but I thought, ‘Hey, I can do better,’” Daddy said. “The one that got away, huh?”

Asked if he thought his nearly two year-old son, Bub, was truly worth just sixty dollars, Daddy said, “Okay, I’ll take forty. And I’ll throw in one of my kidneys.”

You know it’s illegal to traffic any human being, right?

“Well, so is speeding. So is jaywalking. So is breaking into your neighbor’s apartment, trying on all his track suits and then taking a dump in his Florsheims,” Daddy said. “Besides, I wouldn’t really call him traffic. More of a speed bump.”

Asked what he would say to Daddy if he were to take five minutes to actually talk to his son, Bub said: “Watch your Florsheims.”

Asked what he was going to do now, since the options on unloading his firstborn seem to be dwindling, Daddy said:

“Probably take him to Target. They’ll take any returns without a receipt.”

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