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| The proud new father celebrates with a doughnut |
A Chicago toddler known as Bub gave
birth yesterday to a 1 lb., 2 oz. baby boy named Herman last night at 7:22 p.m.,
ending a lengthy eight day pregnancy.
“I thought I was just getting
fat,” Bub said. “But this does explains the cravings. Mac n cheese dipped in
strawberry yogurt. Grapes with mayonnaise. Great, now I’m hungry.”
The forty-five minute labor
mostly took place under water.
“It was a water birth, yes,” Bub
said. “Trendy, sure. Pricey, perhaps. But effective? I think Herman speaks for
himself.”
The ordeal was overseen by Doula
Daddy.
“I think I called him every name
in the book,” Bub laughed. “But what else is new, right? He just kept saying ‘Push
it out, Bub. Push it out.’ Something about that really spoke to me.”
“The kid hadn’t shat in a week. I
ran him a hot bath, boom.” Doula Daddy said. “How is this even a story?”
“I got to hold him only briefly,”
Bub said. “He was so soft, tender. Mushy, even. Then he was whisked away, swaddled in Charmin by Doula Daddy. It was a beautiful moment, though I have to admit
that the new baby smell was not quite what I’d imagined it to be.”
Herman was subsequently adopted
by a Mr. Thomas Crapper.
“It was a hard decision, but
ultimately, I deemed myself not the most competent caregiver,” Bub said. “I
mean, I can’t even change my own
diaper yet. Herman deserves better.”
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