|The proud new father celebrates with a doughnut|
A Chicago toddler known as Bub gave birth yesterday to a 1 lb., 2 oz. baby boy named Herman last night at 7:22 p.m., ending a lengthy eight day pregnancy.
“I thought I was just getting fat,” Bub said. “But this does explains the cravings. Mac n cheese dipped in strawberry yogurt. Grapes with mayonnaise. Great, now I’m hungry.”
The forty-five minute labor mostly took place under water.
“It was a water birth, yes,” Bub said. “Trendy, sure. Pricey, perhaps. But effective? I think Herman speaks for himself.”
The ordeal was overseen by Doula Daddy.
“I think I called him every name in the book,” Bub laughed. “But what else is new, right? He just kept saying ‘Push it out, Bub. Push it out.’ Something about that really spoke to me.”
“The kid hadn’t shat in a week. I ran him a hot bath, boom.” Doula Daddy said. “How is this even a story?”
“I got to hold him only briefly,” Bub said. “He was so soft, tender. Mushy, even. Then he was whisked away, swaddled in Charmin by Doula Daddy. It was a beautiful moment, though I have to admit that the new baby smell was not quite what I’d imagined it to be.”
Herman was subsequently adopted by a Mr. Thomas Crapper.
“It was a hard decision, but ultimately, I deemed myself not the most competent caregiver,” Bub said. “I mean, I can’t even change my own diaper yet. Herman deserves better.”