|This is a private residence, man.|
Yesterday, like so many, was a long day. By the end of it, I was about to lose my shit. But in a good way. A giggly way. I don’t know if Bub was actually that funny, or if I was just that tired. You be the judge.
We were getting ready for bathtime. Pretty simple routine. He undresses himself now, I take off his diaper, clean him up and we go in and hit the bath. Simple, right? Well, maybe there’s a gas leak, maybe it’s cabin fever, maybe he had too much strawberry yogurt, but he was in rare form.
He took off his pantalones (that’s Spanish for pants), then stood up and worked one arm ouf of his Mickey Mouse shirt.
“I’ve got one arm!”
“Great, Bub. So does the drummer from Def Leppard. How about that other one?”
“Ohhhhhh, I’ve got two arms! Yes!” Like he was the first human being to physically sprout a second arm. Think of all the new stuff I can do!
He then proceeded to pull the shirt over his head, swing it around like a lasso at a dwarven rodeo.
“Woohoo!” he yelled.
And I’m just trying to figure out where he possibly got this cowboy giddyup. Did he watch Magic Mike while I was napping? Then he threw his shirt on the floor with an encore “Woohoo!”
“Mmm, okay,” I said. Don’t want to encourage with laughter. “Let’s change that diaper.”
He reached down and grabbed his sagging diaper like Bob Barker’s ballsack and started kneading it like pretzel dough.
“Ohhhh, I gotta FULL diaper!”
Awesome. So he finally laid down, I removed the soiled garment and then he gave me the look. I’d seen this look before, but my fatigued brain didn’t place it immediately. Then it clicked.
“Don’t,” I said. But it was too late. A perfectly golden rainbow cascaded over his thigh, onto the carpet.
“No, no, stop,” I said. And God bless him, he did kind of stop for a second, or at least slowed the stream, eyes wide open. Then I was half-worried about him damaging his urethra or something. I made a gesture similar to the one my wife gives me during sexy time: well, you’ve already started, just get it over with. And I’ll try not to laugh.
He finished after a few seconds, looked me right in the eyes and in complete earnesty, said:
“Thank you, Daddy.” And I started laughing. Oh, well, Rugs are just giant towels anyway, right?