Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Newborn Evicts Deadbeat Father From Bed

A local father known as Daddy was served notice by his infant daughter that his lease was up on the property formerly (and now legally) referred to as “his side.”

The eviction, filed by the ten week-old known as HP, comes on the heels of a few short weeks of testy co-habitation.

“I wake up, like, twenty times a night, with essentially a backpack on, but breathing. Each time a little closer to the edge,” Daddy said. “She’s like a miniature conquistador. Only much more ruthless.”

“Well, the word that jumps immediately to mind is ‘useless,’” HP said. “I mean, I wake Mommy up, she feeds me, changes me, soothes me. I wake Daddy up, he farts.”

Through her lawyer, Danny Greenstone, HP is suing for sole custody of the right side of the queen-sized mattress.

“This guy’s on the right side of the bed, wrong side of Mother Justice,” Greenstone said. “A squatter on prime real estate. And let me tell you something, buddy, you’re squatting on the wrong lawyer!”

“Gross,” Daddy said.

Greenstone was referred by HP’s brother, Bub, who has kept him busy the last two years.

“Yes, I have two clients,” Greenstone said. “And let’s just say I’m not canceling any tee times, friends.”

Ironically, the standard ten year Tempur Pedic warranty does, in fact, cover instances of mattress Gerrymandering. But since Daddy bought the bed on eBay, the warranty it voided.

“Really? Does this surprise anyone?” HP said. “The man re-uses my Pampers if they’re ‘not that wet.’”

“It was brand new!” Daddy said. “Plus, really attractive shipping rates.”

No court date has been set, since it’s not a real case. In the mean time, Daddy will be sleeping on the couch, which he also bought on eBay.

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