Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Boy of 1 Earns Terrorist Title

A one year-old Chicago baby has earned a dubious title, courtesy of the FBI: World’s Youngest Terrorist Threat.

The boy, known only as Bub, was dubbed WYTT after certain documents, including a particularly damning New Year’s Resolution list, were leaked to the authorities. It is unclear how exactly the documents were obtained.

“I found the list, read it, called the cops,” said Daddy, the boy’s father. “Patriot Act, bitches.”

Clears that one up.

Agent Richman of the FBI explained: “Any time you use the ‘T’ word, you are automatically entered into our system and flagged for what those of us in the industry call cooperation training.”

Among Bub’s list of new year’s resolutions were “shun self-proclaimed authority figures,” “pull the hair of false prophets,” and the one that really got him in hot water, “terrorize all infidels.” 

A footnote, titled List of Infidels, featured a crudely Crayon-ed stick figure with a ridiculous moustache and tiny thimblepenis, labeled Daddy.

“That’s not to scale, ladies,” said Daddy. “Nor is it purple anymore.” 

When pressed about the reach of Bub as a terrorist, Richman said: “Well, we certainly don’t currently feel he has the mobility to strike internationally,” he said, adding, “It’s a long crawl just to the kitchen.”

After only a few hours of cooperation training, Bub’s threat level Eggshell was downgraded to Ivory. He was later released, with no charges filed. Shortly after, he made a statement.

“Not how I envisioned my Saturday going,” he quipped. “But the cavity search was surprisingly compassionate. Good coffee, too.”

Asked how this would affect his relationship with his father, he said, “It’s nothing new. I mean, if there were suddenly a Bus Ice Age that caused the entire species to die off in rapid succession, you can rest assured he’d scour the earth to find the last one just to throw me under.”

We obtained Bub’s actual list of resolutions, only to find it included more mundane, unflagged goals, such as “take recorder lessons” and “eat more superfoods.” 

Well, good luck finding Swiss chard this time of year, young man.

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