A fun family outing quickly turned into a nightmare for a Chicago lad, who was spied taking a massive dump in the 2 Year and Under area of the Museum of Science and Industry.
“It’s not so much what he did, it’s the how and where that are of real concern,” said Chrissy Everhart, concerned parent. Her daughter Lizzy was apparently subjected to the brunt of the episode.
“I’ll never forget that face,” Lizzy said. “The huuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. It was horrible.”
“Trust me, it was much worse for my Huggie,” said Bub, the alleged defecator.
According to witnesses, Bub was playing near a kid-sized replica of a New England cottage home when Nature called.
“I just wanted some privacy,” Bub said. “Inasmuch as that’s possible with 100+ mouthbreathers running circles around you.”
Bub said he crawled behind the cottage, grabbed the kiddy fence for support, arched his back and let it rip. He never heard the tiny bay windows open above him.
“Look, he’s a baby, and babies doodie,” Everhart conceded. “I just don’t understand why he couldn’t do his business in the cottage, like a normal person. It’s just so anachronistic, so Appalachian. What kid fantasizes about an outhouse?”
“What’s an outhouse?” Bub asked. “Sounds intriguing.”
Everhart ultimately concluded that, as usual, shoddy parenting was the likely culprit. “I should have known better than to take Lizzy on a free day,” she said.
The incident was reported to museum staff, who in turn reported it to security, who ultimately escorted Bub and father Daddy from the premises.
“No terror threat, no sharp objects, situation neutralized,” security guy summated, adding “Next time just shit indoors, eh?”
Asked if he was upset about being forcibly removed from a public institution in front of an impressionable young child, Daddy replied: “Well, I didn’t get to sit in the big tractor, so what do you think?”
When asked what he learned from all this, Bub said, “Don’t poop outside the lines.”
Asked if he thought the punishment had fit the crime, Daddy said, “If there’s a real crime here, it’s passing that cottage off as New England. That’s straight up Finger Lakes, bitches!”
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