Man’s Attempt to Re-Gift Son Thwarted

A Chicago man’s ill-conceived idea to re-gift his infant son was thwarted yesterday by a nominally competent postal employee.

“I just asked him if he wanted delivery confirmation, insurance, if there was any liquid, fragile, breakable, aerosol, explosive, cocoa butter, opium, ivory tusks, live dungeness crabs, the crew of the Mary Celeste, wormholes or D.B. Cooper’s parachute inside. And his package cried!” the woman said.

The man, identified only as Daddy, said this:  “Sometimes you get a present that you just think ‘Man! That would be perfect for so-and-so!’ And then you pay it forward. People give puppies, right? And then you get arrested, why? For spreading holiday cheer?”

According to his arrest report, it was actually for reckless endangerment, gross negligence, and improper use of a Priority Mail box.

“I just grabbed the wrong box,” Daddy said. “Had to wait in line all over again!”

Once the box cried, Daddy was forced to open the package to the horror of several on-lookers.

“I thought it was one of them talking dolls at first,” witness Duke Shirley said. “But it kept drooling. And it smelled like that time my septic tank burst. I mean, the man should have at least gone with Express. It’s more expensive, but it just seems like the right thing to do, don’t it?”

“That shit is confusing!” the cheap-ass father said.

Ironically, Daddy was bailed out by his son, Bub, who declined to press charges. Asked why on earth he would rescue the man who had so recently and definitively shunned him, Bub said this:

“We had reached a bit of a gentlemen’s arrangement, I suppose; I was certainly not being freighted against my will. I had plenty of toys, Bankie, a fikey, lots of air holes, two quarts of milk and a loving Bubbe only 3,000 miles away.

“I merely wanted to take my talents to South Central. But then David Stern basically stepped in and said he owned the team and wouldn’t allow the trade,” Bub said. “What? Too many N.B.A. references?” 

But it was not David Stern wrapped up in a Priority Mail box who cried moments before shipping.

“I dropped my fikey,” Bub said. “I know, right? Totally embarrassing. Stupid gut reaction, you know, like ducking when something hits your windshield—it was dark, I couldn’t see. I panicked. I was all alley, no oop."

Asked if he was disappointed to be going back home, with Daddy, Bub said:

"It's a bit of a buzzkill, yes, to get so close. We were standing right at the precipice. But you know, as I'm talking to you, I am simultaneously carpet-bombing my Huggies," he said. "So there's that."