Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Father Publicly Shamed by Son’s Insatiable Ketchup Fetish

A Chicago father, known as Daddy, was “politely asked to vacate” a popular frankfurter stand after he doused his son’s wiener in ketchup.

The incident occurred Saturday at Sausage Fest, a popular tubesteak eatery in River North. Daddy’s incredulous request for ketchup while eschewing the standard side of fries put proprietor Micky Gunderson into a full-on rager. 

“Eh, this is Chicaaago,” Gunderson said. “We don’t go for dat shit. Mustard, relish, onion, sport peppers, tomato, celery salt, pickle, poppy seed bun, period. End of list. Puttin’ ketchup on a dog is like puttin’ tapioca in your radiator—it’s just fuckin’ stupid.”

To the uninitiated, Chicago law contends that one must never put ketchup on a hot dog, even in cases of extreme mustard shortages. But the origins of this condiment discrimination are dubious at best. We asked Gunderson to clarify.

“It just ain’t done. ‘Nuff said.” Good enough for us.

Daddy said he was well-aware of proper wiener protocol, and ordered the ketchup with a heavy heart for his son, Bub, a notoriously picky eater.

“He puts it on everything or he won’t eat,” Daddy said. “He put it on peanut butter once.”

“I love ketchup,” Bub said.

Gunderson allegedly refused to apply the condiment. After much hullaballoo, Gunderson finally gave Daddy two individual packets of Heinz, which he charged him for. Things came to a head, however, when Daddy went back to the counter to order a refill on the ketchup.

“Look, I told the guy, I ain’t gonna hit your kid, ‘cause he’s little, and I’m a gentleman,” Gunderson said. “But if you ask me for another ketchup packet, brother, I’m liable to go Jesse on you.”

“I didn’t know what that meant,” Daddy said. “So I said, ‘I’m not asking you for one—I’m asking you for four ketchup packets, brother.’’”

What it ultimately meant was six stitches to Daddy’s elbow, a sprained wrist and a lot of jeers from the largely anti-ketchup crowd.

“All I remember is coming to and seeing Bub leading the cheers, his mouth a glistening red Fuck You Daddy.”

Police arrived shortly after the scuffle and read Daddy his Ketchup Rights, which were none.

“In hindsight, I should have just ordered a side of fries,” Daddy said. A side of fries comes with unlimited ketchup and little to no humiliation.

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