Star Bores

I'm finding it easier and easier to relate to Luke Skywalker these days.  These conversations with Bub, they just don't really go anywhere.  Like that expositionally necessary scene in Empire when Luke is talking to R2 en route to see Yoda.  'That's right, R2, we're not going with the others.'  You know the one.  Welcome to my life.  Only the beeps are replaced by equally nonsensical noises.  'That's right, Bub, we're not going with the others.  No Bub, the Hopleaf does not have high chairs.  No, Bub, I will not sneak you in under my coat.  Yes, I know you do.  Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.  Okay, then.  Stop talking, now, please.'

Hint:  Read from the bottom up.  It will make much more sense. 

A short time ago, in an alternate galaxy not so far away...

STAR BORES

begins...

 our story

side.' And so

 over your dark

me when you're

 reads a post-it: 'Call

 reeking of cheap ouzo,

Now Luke, stubbly and

It was time to move on.

farm seemed dead as Darth.

dream of a Tatoine womp rat

quoting Full Metal Jacket. R2's

 find him polishing his lightsaber,

  up in the middle of the night and 

 unsatisfying, and R2 would wake

 Jedi birthday trick gig was largely

 skills, Luke became despondent. His

 Yet with no friends, enemies or acting

in a while and pretend he spoke Droid.

 to reciprocate was clean his sprockets once

 his incessant whining, and all Luke had to do

 always the one. He listened without prejudice to

his Jedi sneakers.  And Luke realizes that R2 was

 scoops him from the gutters and gets him back into

redemption comes to him clad in blue and silver. R2D2

strangers to freeze him in Carbonite. It is a new low. But

with a Jabba-sized hangover and cruises the Strip begging 

and left for dead at Circus Circus.  Next morning he wakes up

kissed her first" speech. He is promptly escorted out by Chewie

Luke makes his regrettably now-infamous "She's my sister and I

hyper-space itover to Vegas to get married.  During the reception,

Fresh from Ewok deification and Death Star exploding, Han and Leia

Episode VII:  The Odd Couple

Bonus excellent Star Wars-inspired movie quote, courtesy of Jay in Dogma:
"I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar!"