Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Poop-in Ends in Hapless Pamper

Citing boredom, the man who challenged the entire bowel movement as an entity for the past 13 days decided to call it quits, relieving himself quietly in the backseat of his parents’ sedan.  Bub issued a statement as brief as the one that started it all.

“I feel better,” he said.

His meteoric rise to excremental infamy began nearly two weeks ago with the succinctly intriguing statement now emblazoned on the t-shirts of so many of his followers:  No more poop!

What began as one man’s personal exercise in asceticism inspired a cultish following that flash-mobbed chat rooms with lyrical gems such as ‘Viva la poop!’ and ‘Brown is the new chartreuse.’

For many, the expression took on much deeper social and personal meanings, and Bub became a minor countercultural sensation.  Insisting from the beginning that this was never a publicity stunt, he never seemed quite comfortable in the spotlight.

His career apexed on The Late Show, when he joked, “What’s shorter than a leprechaun, has no teeth and is completely full of s*&%?”

Nearly in unison, the audience roared, “Buuuuuuuuuuubbbb!!!!”

“No.  David Letterman.”

Reactions were mixed, but Paul Shaffer was clearly caught on camera saying, “Oh, SNAP!”

Thus ended Bub’s brief foray into television.  The tireless questions about his motivations and fame-grabbing in the following week eventually took their toll, and Bub became increasingly sullen and withdrawn.  A survey on Whathotwhatsnot.com rated Bub’s hotness above Lisa Bonet, but several notches below Andy Dick.

In his last pre-poop interview with a college newspaper, the reporter noted that Bub had “let himself go” physically, arriving with matted hair, a mangy beard and the aroma of day-old milk.  His answers were disinterested, ambiguous at best.  

When asked if he wanted to set the record straight once and for all, he answered simply, “Mehhhhh.”
His parents said they were looking forward to getting back to normal as well.

“It’s been quite the rollercoaster ride,” Dad said.  “I don’t know his motivations, either, but I can report that we did save a lot on diapers this month.”

Asked to describe the moment it all ended, Dad added this:

“Oh yeah, it was titanic.  Imagine a Miller High Life bender capped off with late-night Taco Bell missteps.  Now double that.  Add a side of poop.  And that’s pretty much what we were looking at.”

And what was next for Bub?

“I dunno,” shrugged Dad. “I usually need a nap after a movement like that.”


  1. WHOA. Sounds like that thing was as big as Bub...

  2. Definitely bigger than a baby's arm =)

  3. Couldn't Letterman just share some prunes with him? He's getting up there...

  4. Ah, poop stories...the best part of parenting.

  5. Read your newest on-line mag post... great stuff. When the police round up the perps, their community service should be marching in the parade, possibly holding up one of the floats they busted dressed like Roman Slaves. It would be an enlightening experience for them. Why does somebody always have to rain on the parade?