Thursday, July 21, 2011

Houston, We Have a Penis

It was a fairly routine bathtime, ordinary July evening, when Bub’s whole world was suddenly illuminated with the soft, warm glow of manhood. Somewhere between his face-swabbing and upper-torso scrubbing, his ever-wandering hand happened upon his crotchal region. OMG, what have we here? 

Like a Bassmaster, he had hooked a big one and now wanted to reel it in, hoist it, weigh it, take his picture next to it and then throw it back into the bathwater. Bub Cousteau, documenting a new deep sea species. It was a private moment, one that I was witness to the way Kyle MacLachlan witnessed Dennis Hopper romanticizing Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet.

I’m not sure which was more disturbing—the Pat Pong-esque fervor with which he tugged and pulled at his goodies or the look of unabashed self-satisfaction he gave me while doing it. Yep, just answered my own question.

The entire episode did back up my theory that Bub is, in fact, impervious to pain. This theory was initially based on him routinely braining himself with his plastic keys, was legitimized by the way he yanked his scrotum like a deeply-rooted crabgrass, giggling the whole time. Apparently, we have similar ideas of a good time.

And then he discovered my penis. That was awkward. Luckily, my wife was there tubside, laughing her ass off, like it was a scene from some shitty, third-rate cable sitcom. Yeah, it’s good to have a support network, a real “go team” family philosophy. 

Little fella’s got quite the grip, it turns out. Good for pitching. Rock climbing. Tug of war. Bad for an unsuspecting Daddy, bathing is blissful innocence. I think I handled it pretty well, considering the circumstances. I disarmed him with a wax-off swat, skreeked like a caddle-prodded cat and promptly ejected Bub from the tub. 

You can’t really blame the kid. He doesn’t get out much, doesn’t socialize that often. And it’s not every day you meet a friendly penis just hanging around your neck of the tub. And on the flipside, Bub, Jr. spends approximately 23.75 hours of every day in diaper solitude, so I’m sure it was happy to be recognized, glad to have the attention. I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Now I didn’t think there was any way that Bub made the connection between the two things he was grabbing. How could he, right? But yesterday, I took a quick shower while he played on the shaggy bathmat. I opened the curtain, which got his attention. I swear to God he looked right at my crotch, then looked me in the eye and smiled knowingly. Well, I say carpe penim, young man. Just make sure it’s your own. 

P.S.  HELP!!! I went through so many titles for this one (Say Hello to My Little Friend, e.g.) and I'm sure somebody can come up with a better one. Here's a chance to champion your cleverity, and I will officially change the name to the best one. Thanks for your help! 


  1. My 9 mo. old started pulling on his penis every time I changed his diaper about a month or so ago. I asked my sister-in-law how old her son was when he started doing the same thing... she looked at me like I was crazy and said he never did that. So, I am glad to hear your story and to know my son isn't the only one!

  2. goes (courtesy of ABC)

    The Wienie the World of Bub Awaited

    Hard to Resist

    'Boy's Gone Wild!

    Hands On!

    Where did THAT come from?

    Going to the zoo? Can we take a bath first?

    And perhaps our fave...Two Penies in a Pod :)

    BUT we have to confess..."Penal Code" is a tough act to follow!!!

  3. LC: I love it. Perhaps one day he'll play in the California Penal League.

    JM: Perhaps your sister-in-law never changed a diaper? Bub is now full-on, every glimmer of little guy he gets, he takes full advantage. Perfectly healthy, perfectly normal, just innocent curiosity. The real question is at what age does curiosity become weird?

    D: I'm going with Two Penies in a Pod. The imagery alone is stunning.