Friday, July 29, 2011

Bub Advocate (A Tasting Diary)

The following reviews were taken directly from Bub’s personal epicurean notebook, which, if I were to title it would be known as Shit My Kid Shoves in His Mouth—An Ongoing Compendium.  Catchy, right?  They were plucked from well over 200 entries that included CD cases, dirty diapers and a yoga mat.  All reviews are considered in the following 5 categories—Appearance, Smell, Taste, Mouthfeel and Overall.  Here are some highlights:

Rice Cereal

A:  Looks like dandruff, like 25 sufferers of dry scalp shaved then scratched their heads for five minutes into my bowl.
S:  Smells like wet cardboard.  Hints of unripe plantains, wild hibiscus and Plaster of Paris.
T:  Sweet on the front end, custardy.  Dark fruit notes, maybe sweet Michigan cherries?  Long, wet paper bag finish.
M:  Chunky, but with tapioca-like smoothness.
O:  Once you get past the appearance, it’s, well, pretty much more of the same.  Thick and boring—just like my old man.

Stroller Instruction Manual

A:  Thin, papery.  Two-dimensional.
S:  Notes of plastic, cardboard and rubber.  Perhaps a hint of Styrofoam?  Something else—dark fruit perhaps?
T:  Strong papyrus notes up front that quickly fades into a short, inky finish.
M:  Smooth, almost air-like in its lightness.  You could probably go through eight or nine in one sitting.
O:  A pleasant surprise in all.  The black and white print is a nice touch; a much tastier, milder version of newspaper.  Something to read while you eat.  If you can read.


A:  Green as Ireland, smooth as my bottom.
S:  Earthy aromas, leafy.  Notes of leather and rich mahogany, hint of phys. ed.
T:  Sweetness comes first, like dark fruit or figgy pudding, followed by an unpleasant tartness.  Much like strawberry rhubarb, only gag-inducing.
M:  Smooth, but with a pate-like texture.  Think potted meat, only grittier.
O:  Interesting to try, like sheep’s balls, but will not eat again.

One Fierce Beer Coaster

A:  Thin, but with noticeable depth.  Brown on one side, colors and words on the other.  Very interesting.
S:  Notes of wine cork, cheap construction, a hint of next-day bar funk.
T:  I get soft wood or particle board.  Ikea bookcase with just a hint of mothballs.  Touch of dark fruit--burnt currants—toasted coconut shell and a hint of fresh spruce sapling needles.
M:  Fantastic combination of the pliability of the cork and smoothness of the plastic.  A match made in mouthfeel heaven; a party in my mouth.
O:  One I will seek out.  Much more to it than its cheap construction lets on.  Complex, full-bodied.  A true session coaster.

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