Thursday, June 16, 2011

Open Letter to the University of Pittsburgh


Dear Admiral Obvious:

I am writing in response to the study you recently conducted that resulted in today’s headline:

Tired Women More Likely to Fight with Husbands.

This bombshell your study dropped was represented in my local paper by a whoppingly succinct two sentences.  Sometimes less is more.  And sometimes less is asinine.

The first sentence was more or less the headline itself, clarifying only that when women have a “poor night’s sleep,” the gloves just come right off.  First off, how do you define “poor night’s sleep?”  Is that a technical term?  Like I’d give my sleep last night about a C-.  Is that considered poor or just below average?  

And how exactly was this highly scientific study conducted?  Group A beds down on cots in the NIC unit at the hospital.  Group B (Control) sprawls on Valium-infused silk.  Eight hours later, the respective husbands enter with the revelation that they sold your favorite Louboutin pumps on eBay to cover their baccarat losses. Document ensuing fireworks.  And there’s your “study.”  Am I close?

Okay, I’m sort of with you, to a point.  Though I would deposit this directly in the “No Shit, Sherlock” file, yes, my wife is oft-ill-tempered after a rough night’s sleep.  But who isn’t?  And here’s where your study really goes astray. 

The second riveting sentence of your barnburner claims that when men experience such a dearth of sleep, “it doesn’t appear to have any effect on the marriage.”  Ex-squeeze me?  Baking powder?  If I don’t get enough sleep, I’m likely to fight with my wife, kid, random strangers, hapless motorists, other people’s kids, smirky barristas and idiotic scientists without discrimination.  In fact, you wanna step outside, Pitt?  Oh, I’m sorry, I must not have slept well last night.  Or, according to your study, I guess I slept too well?

Stupid.  Doesn’t make sense.  How’s your tuition increase looking this year?

Anyway, I’ve come up with some new theories for you to test, less offensive.  Crowd-pleasers, every bit as riveting as your study:

       1.       Concrete is, in fact, hard.
       2.       The dominating characteristic of water is wetness.
       3.       The earth is, it turns out, spherical.

Study this,


Editor's Note:  Okay, so I'm a little sensitive to sleep topics these days.  BTW, it's still me.  I am the editor.  There's a disturbing thought for you.

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