Thursday, June 23, 2011
Baby Stages Record Poop-in
Long-known as a rebel without a crawl, the iconoclastic rabble-rouser known as Bub issued a chilling decree last week: No more poop!
Though his intentions or inspirations weren’t immediately clear, this was a stark declaration of austerity for the man known in certain circles as Senor Poopy Pants and whose Twitter handle is @ShitsMcGee.
The story went viral and pundits immediately tweeted over one another about the veracity of the claim, speculated about potential demands, and laid down bets on number days he could last.
“Think b4 u speak, Bub. Like R.E.M. said, “Everybody poops,” one said.
“I give him til 4th o July BBQ. He can’t resist Bush’s Grillin Beans LOL,” another said.
One tweeted simply: “WTF Bub?”
Critics were quick to point out the physical impossibilities of his claim, but at nine days in now, he has silenced the majority of naysayers. Throughout the ordeal, Bub has repeatedly taken the gastrointestinal high road, saying only, “This isn’t about poop. Shakespeare asked ‘To poop or not to poop?’ Well, I can’t read.”
When asked directly about his reasons behind the poop-in, Bub maintained that he is not politically motivated.
“This has nothing whatsoever to do with the current poop overage in Sweden,” Bub stated. “Though I wish them all the best in their excremental endeavors.”
Asked if he was revolting against his hapless parents, Bub looked shocked. “How? I’m doing them a favor.”
Asked where he got the idea for such a stunt, Bub said simply, “Jackass 3-D.”
According to Guinness, the longest recorded time of non-pooping was previously held by Tre in the movie Menace II Society. Released from jail and vomiting gratuitously, he uttered the immortal quote, “Man, I ain’t shit in a week!”
But Bub claims that breaking records had nothing to do with it, either.
“This is not a competition,” he stated. “This is about a boy and his dream. And that’s all it ever was.”
To sleep perchance to dream, young man. And to dream perchance not to poop.