Friday, May 6, 2011

3-D Bubtacular

I don’t get 3-D, I really don’t.  Let me clarify.  I understand the concept itself, and how it “enhances” such theatrical barnburners as Jaws 3-D and Captain Eo, but am I completely alone here in thinking that 3-D was not built for the home market?  You can only ever have 4 people watching television at any given time, and they all have to wear those stupid glasses!  

How awkward is that when you walk into your friend’s house to watch the game find four dudes squished on the couch, looking like Corey Haim circa 1989?  ‘Can I get you a beer, man?’  ‘No, I’m good.’  Then walk right back out.  Seriously, this is the worst technology idea they have tried to push on the hapless consumer since Blu-ray.  Or remember that brief HD DVD phase the preceded Blu-ray?   I do.  And it was a dark time.

But 3-D is big now, it’s huge, it’s hot, it’s an overblown excuse to charge three more dollars at the box office.  You ever watch a 3-D movie that was clearly made for the medium in regular ol’ 2-D?  Then there’s always that odd moment where something is supposed to be flying at you and you’re supposed to duck but then you realize your flat-ass TV screen just blocked it. 
They do this on purpose of course.  The Man, I’m talking about.  They figure the more times you see what you’re missing in puny, pathetic 2-D, the more layers of good judgment and rationale start to chip and peel away from your consumer psyche.  

I recently saw Piranha 3-D on DVD and had one of those moments when the vicious little bugaboos tear a man limb from limb, leaving only his, um, unit, suspended inches from my would-be glasses for several seconds until it is chomped down by another beast.  Damnit, it is working.  I did want to see that in 3-D.  I wonder if Best Buy will throw in a free Blu-ray player if I buy one?

You know, technology moves so fast, though.  That’s why I’ve invented 8-D.  It’s pretty simple, brilliant.  You watch a movie, a TV show, whatever, and basically your living room is the center of the action, the stage.  A character enters stage right, they actually enter your living room.  There’s no need for a screen, because you’re sitting in the middle of it, surrounded by the players.  Pretty sweet, right?  Okay, so it's mildly derivative of Total Recall, but when Jim Cameron tries to patent this in ten years, I’ll sue his ass off.  Just sayin.  How else is Bub gonna pay for college?

Anyway, in the spirit of the current 3-D mania, it has been discovered that Bub actually does look better right in your face.  No additional eyewear or surcharges are required.  Enjoy the show.

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