Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Giving It Up
I don’t really get it, Catholics. I love you, but I never understood the whole Lent thing. Always giving up life’s little joys—alcohol, chocolate, meat. Never anything you should give up. I always thought that as a non-Catholic, maybe I could provide that outside perspective that had been missing for apparently about 2,000 years. It’s simple—choose something you won’t miss! Might I suggest Brussels sprouts or prunes or cardiovascular exercise? How about heavy lifting or going to work or anything else that sucks? Yeah, sorry, boss, can’t come in for the next 40 days, it’s Lent. Yep, I’ll see you after the resurrection! Wouldn’t firing you be illegal on the grounds of religious persecution? Man, that’s brilliant. I’d consider converting, if only I had a job.
Okay, I know the point is to give up something that you truly enjoy as a pronouncement of your dedication. But can we get some creativity here, people? Just a little diversification of the unindulgence? How about giving up riding in motor vehicles or opening doors? Jews do it once a week. Better yet, how about speaking? How about responding to e-mails? All of these things could make your daily work week WAY more interesting without fear of termination.
But you’ve inspired me, Catholics—you really have. In exactly this way. You got my creative juices flowing, and now, like my attempted fast for Yom Kippur, I’d like to give Lent a shot in my own secular way. I’ve decided to give up Bub.
Oh come on, Bub, it’s only 34 more days; I got a little bit of a late start, saved you almost a week! And you should actually view this as quite the compliment. I’m giving up something I truly love. Not beer. Not March Madness. You.
What’s that, Bub, you shit your pants? Sorry, Lent. Have to wait for Mommy. Oh, you’re hungry? Well, tell me all about it, by all means. Just let me grab my earbuds first. Mommy will be home in just four more hours. Stiff upper lip there, soldier.
Explaining this to Mommy of course will take some real finesse.
M: Can you please give him a bath? He smells like a wet dog.
D: No can do. Lent. Next month for sure, though.
M: That’s funny, I thought I just heard you say Lent.
D: Indeed you did. What? I mean, I celebrate Passover.
M: So you gave up bathing for Lent?
D: No, I gave up Bub.
M: Wow, you know, maybe this is a good idea. A good idea for us. Something we can do together. Just like Passover.
D: No no, this was my idea. You can’t give up Bub, too.
M: I’m not. I’m giving up sex.
Damn. Some people are just so culturally insensitive. Another point for the terrorists.